Things that I have learned as a result of a last minute agreement to go out “for a few” with some co-workers on a Friday night:
- There is a new word for me to incorporate into my vocabulary this summer. The word is "swass", short for sweaty ass. As in, “Man, it’s hot…and I've been sitting on this seat too long cuz now I have swass.” Feel free to incorporate it into your summer vocabulary too!
- Illuminating a co-worker of a malapropism isn’t going to garner a lot of votes for Miss Popularity or snag me another invite to the next work happy hour. Sure, I get that. But seriously, 2 people who sell the same product are competitors not "competers"….Tom.
- By Beer Three I have the ability to analyze in compare/contrast format the relationships of Nick & Jessica and Britney & Kevin. Enough information was submitted that I think the random onlooker would have thought that I was defending my PhD dissertation. I do not have subscriptions to both US Weekly and In Touch Weekly for nothing. (Nick! Call me!)
- As the night wears on, I will channel a movie I have never seen before, namely “You Got Served” whose premise is the “dance off” (yeah…”speaking of Britney”). I will alert my challenger that I have a tattoo thus rendering me “street” and thus, thus…a force. Upon her review of same, this will illicit an eye roll (as it’s the size of a dime) and she'll tell me she has five, as in, ”you call that a tattoo?...THIS is a tattoo!” ("...and this....and this.....and this...and this"). Oh.
- I will go first which if you know anything about the History of the Dance Off, this will mean I will lose (so no real surprise here). I will wholeheartedly commit to the Shaking What My Momma Gave Me routine which if you’ve seen me, isn't a helluva lot. The two bullets in my dancing arsenal are 1) I have strong legs and so I can get low and stay low for an inordinate amount of time and 2) due to my many, many years of being in the school band (shut it, so were you) I can find the on-beat. Yeah, I know…."good luck". My petite challenger (no more than 5’1”) will OPEN with the Beyonce butt giggle which has eluded me no matter how much I have practiced that move and close with literally bumping my ass away. It will then be argued that she was able to bump me away because she had a lower center of gravity. But despite the pre-existing advantage, she will be declared the winner.
- Later it will be brought to my attention that a few uptight audience members directed the following comment to me: “yeah, I hope this isn’t what investment bankers are like”. Oh…you mean FUN? So sorry,……assholes.
- I will know when it's time to pack up my bags and go home but not without a trip to the steak & cheese sub cart first. Due to inflation and the fact that drinkers will pay whatever for food, I am $4 short for the $7 sandwich. My friends Steve and Heather will kindly offer to give me the balance and I will continue to search my purse for the missing dollars and tell them I don’t need their money but thanks. Why I won’t admit that I need help paying for a sandwich is beyond me but the “Take it”, “No, I’m okay”, “Just take it”, “No…really, I …I got it” goes on way longer than it should have. Finally I admit to them, “uh, yeah…I kinda need it” at the point they’re practically shoving it into my hands. So thank you Steve & Heather. You guys are my guardian angels!
- I cap the evening off with a bag a microwave popcorn and bring it into bed. Mike will ask if I really insist on eating the popcorn in bed while lying down as he's concerned I’ll get it everywhere. He could not be more wrong.
- Instead, I will fall asleep on it.