It's inevitable that we'll find ourselves at the doctor's office for a check-up or whatever and while it's usually not a harrowing experience, still, it's nothing people generally look forward to. No one digs being poked and prodded, and for the guys, I'm told, hearing the words, "...and cough" and so it can be mildly stressful or uncomfortable. But sometimes? Sometimes these visits can be pretty damn funny. I mean, you're naked. You're vulerable. You're a prime target for funny.
I was reminded of my own "downstairs doctor" story when my sister, Emily, e-mailed the Rules for Self Tanning to me, our other sister and our Aunt . Part of her distress (and thus the need to share the "Rules") was caused from an uneven self tanning experience. However, another contributing factor was she had an upcoming ob/gyn appointment. Her claim was that due to "her modesty" she wore underwear while applying the lotion and now there was a nice bold line across her stomach where her underwear reached and she wanted to blend it but had nothing in the house to do so.
My Aunt Teri, sensing my feeling of, "kid, this is why you worry??" responded with these 2 tales:
"Don't worry Em, you still won't be as bad at the ob/gyn's office as my sister's friend who was seriously close to filing charges against her Dr. when his first comment upon examining her was "well, that's festive".......only to later find out that her toddler had poured his glitter into the talcum powder she had used to quickly "freshen up" with before she ran to her appointment....or my friend who used a tissue from her purse, for a last minute" tidying", and only found out AFTER her appointment, that there had also been a postage stamp stuck to it (which, of course, had then stuck to her)...Oh the stories those doctors could tell!"
While I can't compete with art glitter and postage stamps, I feel I would be remiss if I didn't add my own small tale.
I'm pretty much a big, fat baby when it comes to going to The Downstairs Doctor. And I love how they say, "you're gonna feel some pressure." Ooooh, ... that's what that is?? Sure you're not secretly PUNCHING ME IN THE GUT? FROM THE INSIDE?
Sometimes when I get nervous or uncomfortable I will make dumb jokes and the opportunity definitely presented itself here. While the doc was, uh, "going to town" in places, pressing on my stomach and taking so long I was beginning to think she was searching for the Holy Grail, we shared the following exchange:
Her: (seeing me grimace) Yeah, sorry I am taking so long. Just want to make sure I found your uterus. Yeah.......there it is. You have an retroverted uterus. No worries. That's pretty common.
Me: (deadpan) Retroverted uterus? What does that mean? That it's....shy?
Her: (pause, look of disdain) No, that's INTROv...
Me: (smirk) Yeah,...I kno....
Her: ....verted. "Retroverted" means it's tilted back.
Me: (giving her the look of "thanks... for the vocab lesson") Thanks. I know what it means.
Her: (Sort of fake laugh) Heh. (look of "you really need to buy a dictionary")
Apparently she did not see my smirk (I was afraid laugh/move much when I said it. You understand).
Either that, or they do not teach Sarcasm 101 at Harvard.
(Then again, this is also the same woman I have told when asked "method of birth control?" answered, "Prayer". So maybe it's just that she hates me.)
Anyone else have a funny doctor appt./ER story?