While the rest of you did what ever it is you do on Wednesdays, Stella and I had ourselves a little "Oh, You Just Got SERVED, BITCH" Spanish-style.
After reading my 6 Weird Things About Me Meme that I was a Spanish addict of the worst kind: one with a limited vocabulary, Stella saw the opportunity for a little War of Words, Gringa style.
Both with only 2 years of high school Spanish, we were more or less even experience-wise(though I would remember halfway into this that she has just returned from a week-long trip to Mexico where I AM SURE THAT IS WHERE SHE CLIPPED SOME OF HER MORE ADVANCED VOCABULARY. But hey, at LEAST I KNOW HOW TO CONJUGATE. Well, for the most part.
It was touched off with an offhand comment in the Meme, "Pienso tu madre es muy mucho el guapo", I think your mother is very much the ladies man.
yo pienso tu spanglish es muy bueno. y mi madre es no guapo. ella tiene mucho bonita estupida. tu padre es un nino de los fuerte pollos. como te gusta me ahora, beyotch!
I get all of this. "I think your Spanish is very good. And my mother is not the ladies man. She is very pretty stupid [note to Stella: see, this is why commas are a beautiful thing. Heh.] "Your father is the boy of strong chickens. How do you like me now, beyotch!"
I respond part English/Part Spanish:
My father may be the son of strong chickens, but I don't care how pretty she is, at least my mother is not very much the ladies man...like yours is. o tan leí en las paredes del bano.
"Or so I read on the walls of the bathroom."
Stella suggests we have a "Gringa-Off".
I advise her that I'm not exactly shaking in my boots, so sure. I make a reference to a movie quote to no one in particular. "Vaya con huevos" ("Go with eggs"), a line from Nobody's Fool.
cuando tengo mi huevos...tu (will) neccescitas ayuda....yo (will) patear* tu extremo*. traiga es. hermana!
I read this as, "when I have my eggs, you will need help...I will to kick (too lazy to conjagate, S?) you extremely. Bring it, sister!
Apparently "extremo" is "butt". We both cop to looking up "to kick" and she "butt".
No estoy diciendo eso usted "wannabe gangta-fab", pero estoy diciendo que es eso veo eso sus dientes are capped con Legos amarillo.
I am not saying that you are "wannabe gangsta-fab", but what I am saying is that I see that your teeth are capped with yellow Legos. By your own hands.
(basically calling her a wannabe rapper but too poor for real bling. Win-win)
yo no quiero tu leggos amarillos. mi dientes son muy blanco, gracias.
necessita un nuevo zapatos. por que tu pies eres muy feo, y tu madre chupa tetas. tetas mas grande. yo no say. pero no llores, por que ella te gusta tetas y ella quieres bailamos con abuelitas gordas. que pasa?
Okay, this is where the wheels start to fall off: part in vocab comprehension (me), part busted verbage (her).
I get that she says, "I do not want your yellow Legos. My teeth are very white, thanks. You need a (sic) new shoes. for you feet are very ugly."
but then..." and your mom [something] boobs. very big boobs. yo no say (still no idea? think she means "yo no se") but do not cry* for she like boobs and she we danced with fat* grandmas*. what's up?"
I know my mom and "fat grandmothers" are being insulted. Later I'd learn what she is saying is that my mom likes to "suck boobs" but "I don't know. but don't cry because she likes boobs and to dance with fat grandmas."
no requiero nuevo zapatos por no tengo pies. usted habla acerca de mi madre's "tatas" y mi grande bailamos abuelitas, pero haga halbamos su padre's pezón* numero tres?
tambien, su pelo es muy bonita, pero digame esto, pueda ese color encontrado en la nature?
"I do not need new shoes for I have no feet. You talk about my mother's boobs and my dancing, fat grandmothers, but do we speak about your father's nipple #3?
Also, your hair is very pretty, but tell me this, can that color be found in nature?"
(pee-ez) no 'pies' tonta. tu sabes? tu tienes diez pies. que pasa mi padres pezons? no tres. dos solamente. mi pello es mnaturel moreno. shhh no afectar*
jen. decirme. que estas hacer con todo ellos tetas. todo ellos tetas en la camisa?
Stella now thinks I am confused, because she thinks I'm thinking "pies" as in "baked good" and not "feet".
Not 'pies' stupid (actually "tonta" is ""silly" but I'm not gonna split hairs here). You know? You have 10 of them... What is this about my father's nipples? He doesn't have 3. He has 2 only.
My hair is naturally dark, but don't tell anyone.
Jen. Tell me. What ya gonna do with all them breasts, all them breasts inside that shirt?"
I had no idea what "moreno" meant, so I looked it up and the dictionary said "colored person". Um, yeah it did. So, of course I did't think she is trying to tell me she is black or has "colored person's hair", but maybe was trying to say "person who colors [her hair]" and not "person of color". I also have no idea she is giving me the lyrics to The Black Eyed Peas song, "My Humps", so now I am wondering what is with all the boobie talk? Mine, my mom's? Huh? And no idea what "affectar" means... Not to alter/change?
pardoneme S, pero tengo dies *dedos*, dos pies, ...DIEZ PIES?! AY CARUMBA, chiquita. Pero es verdad; tengo mis dos pies y tambien mucho bonita zapatos para mi bontito pies/dedos, differente de usted.
una pregunta para tu: que es su obsesion con de mi madre's "tetas"? mi madre's tetas este siempre debajo ella camisa. porque, es su mama's no? interestante, muy, muy interestante. explica mucho.
Excuse me, S, but I have ten TOES, two feet, ...TEN FEET?? Holy Moly, chick. But it is true, I have my two feet and also many pretty shoes for my pretty feet/toes, different from you.
A question for you: what is your obsession with my mother's "tatas". My mother's boobs are always under her shirt (you started asking "todo ellos tetas en la camisa? which in my mind, "all her boobs in her shirt?") Why, your mother's aren't? (basically insinuating her mom flashes) Interesting. Very, very interesting. Explains a lot.
hablando a tu tetas. no tu madres tetas. otravez. 'que esTAS hacer con..' TU!!! TU TETAS! sabes el cancion de Black Eyed Frijoles? Moniculos*?
soy una estupida gringa...me dios! DEDOS!! AHHH SI!! Muchas gracias.
"I was talking about your boobies. Not your mother's boobies. Again. YOU! YOUR BOOBIES! Do you know the song by Black Eyed Peas? Humps?
I am a stupid gringa. Oh my goodness. Toes IS DEDOS. Ah yes. Thank you very much."
Now this comes together a little. I not a big BEP fan, so I'm glad she mentions this as I was beginning to think, "wow, she really likes to talk boob."
que es "y tu madre chupa tetas" entonces? que de mis tetas? te gusta? gracias! (ha)
ah, el B.E.Ps ...si, ellos conozco pero no receurdo sus lyricas(?)de le topa (?) de mi cabeza! AHORA comprendo...
pienso tan pardoneme por mis palabras de su padre y ello pezon numero tres!
does horas hasta fin del dia. p.s. "monicculos"? "humps"?
then what is "and your mothers sucks tits?" (you were saying you were asking about me) What of my tits? You like? thanks! ah, the BEPs. yes, I know them but do not remember their lyics off the top of my head. NOW I understand. I think.
So excuse me for my words about your father and his third nipple.
Two hours until the end of the day. My Humps?
si si senorita. "humps". ok, pero quien tiene un pezon numero tres? quiens padre?mi padre? or tu padre? tu padre es el nino de los pollos fuertes y ello tiene un tres pezon? tu padre es ell nino de los pollos fuertes y ellos tiene un tres pezon?
the words of the third nipple??? yo quiero 'topa' haha....fantastico! y 'tu madre chupa tetas'. chupa....suck. pienso. teehee. explaino luego. uno hora y quince minutos que ir!
Yes, yes woman. 'Humps'. Ok. But, who has the third nipple? Who's daddy?
My daddy or your daddy? Your daddy is the son of the strong chickens AND he has a 3rd nipple? I love your 'topa' [my word for "top"] haha....fantastic! And (I quote to explain that) chupa means suck. I think. Giggles. I'll explain later. One hour and 15 minutes to go!
She has missed the point 8 years ago my dig about her father having a third nipple (or "nipple #3") was in response to her digging on my mom. Eventually I translate the original line in an attempt to clear this up, because this to her was what the BEP's quote was to me. A big fat "wuh?"
Yo compredo ahora re: "chupa tetas", qual no original conozco era un lyrica.
"topa", [my word for "top"] eh, "closa enougha". heh. usted aprende neuvo vocabulario en su trip a Mexico con Vern y Finance?
I undersand now re: "suck tatas", which I originally did not know was a lyric. [actually, it's not, but whatever] Did you learn new vocab on your trip to Mexico with Vern & finance?
un mas cosa*, te gusta Christina Aguiliera's "Ven Conmigo"? Hago, muy mucho. Canto "Es-CU-CHA-MAAAAAAY!" enalta voz* en my coche quando no persona es alli. yo soy brilliante.
One more thing, do you like Christina Aguiliera's "Come on Over"? I do, very much. I sing "LISTEN TO MEEEEEE" in a very loud voice in my car when no one is there. I am brilliant
Stella asks if I will send a video clip of that, "please". At this point, we're running out of gas, or rather, I have Stella on the ropes, begging for mercy.
and si to vacabulario en Mexico. soy un marcosa. y tengo boca suave.
are we done? es final? im exhausted. haaaaaaaa.
I agree, because I can't think of a way to drop "hamburgesa" or "aeropuerto" into this conversation and I am pretty sure my brain is *this close* to exploding salsa.
So, in the spirit of Whose Line is it Anyway, feel free to award meaningless points for who won this.
Or not. Because I know I won. Totally.