"Curris Me All Over, Kiss Me on My Nipable"

Okay people, if you are a fan of the site  but have always have felt it has been lacking ....something, but you just couldn't quite put your finger on it?  Well, today is your lucky day because I think I may have found that missing element.  You ready?

Erotica!

Misspelled, badly constructed, made up worded, poorly educated erotica!

Listen, don't go all prude on me; we all got needs. And it's my hope that this "afilling" yours as much as it does mine (mine being the Need to Mock, but if this makes you hot, hey, who am I to judge?).

But before I go any further, I am declaring this Delurk Post.  Yeah, there was a delurk week about 8 months ago but if you have been reading long enough, you know there's nothing about me that reads "punctual".  And I know you're there, okay? It's called "Sitemeter".  And if this doesn't speak to you on some level, then clearly you are dead inside. ************************************************************************************************************************

My sister Em used to work for Travelers Life & Annuity some years back. There was a young woman who was not long for the TL&A organization. When Em took over her cubicle, she found this letter in her desk which appears to have been written to her would-be lover. Now when Em told me about this letter's existence, she had to fax it over because viewing it comprised half its beauty and perfection.   By the sheer fact that it's about 6 years post the original penning and I still have a copy of it I think speaks to that. Or that I'm an asshole who enjoys making fun of people. Whichever.

Anyway...

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The letter begins innocently enough, "Dear Love".  I'll let you take over from there.

Yeah, I'll give you a minute.

Alright, I understand trying to comment on this would be like being the no-name band dumb enough to try and take up the stage to perform the The Beatles' encore. I'll try and give it shot anyway, and with any luck, I won't get booed off the stage.

She starts off that she's a young mother of twin girls, that she has an ok job but that she's "come to a stump [sic] I [sic] my life..."  -- Bit of a brain scratcher, much like ... a stump. Or... being stumped. Or...I don't know. We can assume the woman's at a crossroads in her life.

She continues that she craves change, both professionally (from annuities to auto computer aided drafting) and sexually ("my sex life is not that great").

"I have a boyfrient [sic] but he is not afilling [sic] my sexual need"-- A salient point to bring up to a prospective lover, I'll give her that.

"I want my man to kiss me softly allove [sic] my boby [sic]" -- Say it, sister, say it.  I want a man to kiss me softly all over my boby too.

"I want my man to kiss me gel (?) in my other lips" -- Well, at least she isn't being vulgar.

"and curris [sic] me all over" -- It seems as though the "all over" aspect is lacking here as she mentions this more than once.  Maybe she should consider drawing a map on her body with some arrows and Xs-- I mean, it may prove beneficial in terms of enhancing her man's execution. It's not like they're known for stopping to ask for directions, right?

"and lik [sic] and like he never did before" -- Alright, now she's just getting bossy. Demanding little minx, eh?

The next part, which details the act of intercourse itself, is too embarrassing for me to comment on.   So I'm going to skip that bit and head back north of the equator. (though I think the "stock" in "stock me" is "stroke", much like the one I have every time I read this).

"I want him to kiss me on my nipable [sic]"-- Uh, "nipable"? Okay, apparently I was out that day when they went over anatomy.  So that's what it's called.

"lik the stuck weth [sic, sic and sic]"-- Okay, I've come to a stump in the letter as I have absolutely no idea what that means. Clearly this girl is pretty advanced in the ways of bedroom gymnastics.

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Okay, so what have we learned here?

1) Men: kiss, lik and curris us all over, including (but definitely not limited to) our nipables.

2) Ladies: ask for what you need.

and finally,

3) Don't be stupid enough to leave sexually explicit letters at your place of employment.  If you do, you're just begging for it to be found by an asshole like me.

Comments

[Helen]

OMG...I laughed 'til I cried the first time I saw this 6 years ago...and am crying all over again. Classic, Jen, classic.

[V]

Dang....that is one hot letter. My nipables are just atingling.

[Ceece]

meh, nipables. I was on the phone with a client when I read it and started laughing. I had to cover it up with a caugh. saahhh-weeet.

[sortasandy]

Am delurking. And coughing, loudly, so that my coworkers don't ask what I'm laughing about...

[madge]

Classic.

Obviously she's not bright, but to leave this on your desk is simply asking for derision.

All I want to know is whose nipables she had to twiddle to actually GET a job.

[Rocky]

I think this is my former Engrish teacher.

lol ;)

[kat]

Who is her love? Is that it? It seems like there should be more. She stopped in mid-thought. Maybe she got too hot to finish the letter?

By the way, I think "stump" could have a double meaning - the crossroads she is at in her life & the stump that she's longing for in this letter?

I wonder where she is now? Too many unanswered questions!

P.S. There is a picture of my nipable on Stella's blog now.

[reluctant housewife]

aaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!

[mama_tulip]

I'm laughing so hard the screen is blurred. Excuse me if there are any blatant typos in this comment. I need a tissue.

[Becki]

Man, this takes me back--been a while since I've been kissed allover my boby, softly or otherwise.

[Virenda]

This is the funniest sh!t ever. I laughed so hard I wet myself. What in the hell? Did she drop out of school in the 2nd grade? My daughter who is 6 can spell better than the girl that wrote it.

Oh and I'm feeling sorry for those twin girls now.

You are NOT an asshole, you are possible the coolest person ever. I am so glad you managed to hang on to the letter this long. You rock.

I'm going to go read this to my husband and make him kiss my boby and maybe my nibaples.

[Brendan]

obligatory de-lurk post, and an apropos "The Office" clip. (it's nbc.com, so really, work safe.)

http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/office_psa_tapingsex.shtml#video

[Reach]

I love your introduction:
"something, but you just couldn't quite put your finger on it?" And the topic- "Erotica!"

Sounded to me like the discussion within the letter became an excellent transition from the preface.

You such are good writter, why not can I be that way? This is why I attempt a visit per day.

Reach

[Jess]

everyone deserves to have their "sexual needs afilled."

What is killing me about this(well, one of the things) is that I couldn't find a job in 2000 for like, three months. And this girl was gainfully employed? The hell?

"Nipables" is so, so, so awesome.

[Jen]

Poetry, really. And I am now replacing the word "nipple/s" with Nipable/s in my vocabulary. It is so brilliant I can't even stand to use/look at the old word.

I am really curious as to where this woman is in her life...she's 29 now. God, for her children's sake I hope she went back to grammar school and got her 5th grade diploma.

Jess- get a job? how did she fill out a job application? Travelers aint exactly the Gas-n-Sip, if you know what I mean? it's no great shock she got canned but still.

[Contrary]

Good Gravy. No matter what, you have to admire her willingness to put it all out there, badly spelled and puncuated though it may be.

And now, I must go poke out my mind's eye with a stick so that I can erase the images thrust into my brain. Oh, God, I said 'thrust'. Ack.

[Dawn]

I am not sure what the potential lover would have ascertained from this missive. Can you imagine another "normal, literate" man being handed said opus? I would have had to call her over and ask for a translation.

And Terrances is totally currising me twonite. Softly. All over.

Buy a rabbit, sister.

[Rocky]

DAMN! Jess is right - I couldn't find a freakin' job during 2000 either, damned tech stock crash. Now I'm pissed. Makes me want to smack that bitch right in the nipables and ply her boby three times sideways. DANG! You KNOW she's probably the CEO of a company somewhere now. It's the fates.

[Jess R]

I feel like I've come to a real stump in my life lately, too.

This was priceless. Laughed so hard I cried. Say, you could send it to Found magazine to share the love! :)

[Jess]

I keep coming back here and rereading the letter and the comments, because I JUST CAN'T QUIT YOU, NIPABLES!

Seriously, I'm going to print this out.

[Beth]

so. very. wrong.

this reminds me of a note i got from my boyfriend (not for long) in the 8th grade. the kicker in that note? he referred to a fight with his mom as "War War 3". I couldn't figure out what the hell that was until I realized that he thought when people were saying "World War" (both 1 and 2), they were actually saying "War War".

*shudder*

wow. i think i need my boby to be currised to get over that one.

[Diana]

Fu-nny.
She must be dating the guy I dated who used to spell else: "elts". His parents always told him to sound it out. And he did.

[marnie]

"lik the stuck weth [sic, sic and sic]"

I think this is referring to "licking and sucking", either referencing the "nipable" or "boby". I don't think I want to know what "weth" is.

Coming to you from Stella's Finding Zen (www.zenproof.com). You are a fricken riot. I shall return!

[Elizabeth]

I started laughing at your #1 "what have we learned here", busted out again at the comments by V. and Becki, but when I got to Virenda's last sentence it was all over for me. I think you SHOULD send it to "Found". It must be shared with the WHOLE WORLD.

[sweatpantsmom]

I say the guy never made it past the word 'stump,' thought she was talking about a -ahem- part of his anatomy and dumped her.