I've almost written this post a few times, but held off for fear that I would come off like the bigger jerk or possibly set myself up for a "Ur jus jelus he don't lik u" for writing it. And really, who am I to bring a person down? I mean, I'm not exactly perfect. Well, not "technically".
But when a person and the situation only gets even more ridiculous, and it's in that moment you feel as though you've been given the green light.
Thank God I've been given such the green light.
Alright, you know how there's that one guy you went to high school with, that, despite however low your social ranking was, and inspite of how decent looking and joe varsity he was, you knew that he was, Ew, That Guy?
At my school it was a kid named Paul.
I had met Paul in 5th grade and for a few months I had a crush on him. He was (it kills me to say) a very good looking kid: tall, blonde, classically handsome, dressing in the finest parachute pants money could buy.
And then Paul would go and ruin everything: he would open his mouth.
F to the Y.I. I have it on good authority that Paul is one of the better names to place right after "Shut up,". Aside from hearing it from the girls at school when Paul would say something stupid, I encourage you to rent Beautiful Girls sometime, and listen to how Jan (played by Martha Plimpton) says it to her ex, Paul (one clueless Michael Rappaport): "Shut up, Paul." It just ...it just warms my heart. Really, Plimpton's pitch for exasperation-meets-total-disdain-but-I'm only tolerating-even-this-much-because- I- have to is so on point just with her utterance of 'Paul'. (you really need to see this movie) that her tone could write this post for me.
Anyway, back to the Paul from high school...
My 5th grade crush remedied itself pretty quickly (who knew a 10 year old me would be so smart?) and I went on to do whatever you'd have classify me as (I like to call it "The Neither Here Nor There" existence) and he went on to enjoy a popular jock who gets away with being an annoying tool-life (see: any teen flick with Jennifer Boob Hewitt/Sarah Michele Gellar in it.)
But life goes on and people don't stay 17 forever. They experience this and that and grow in one direction or another and you leave town and you move on and forget about these people.
Well, you hope people grow- grow the hell up. But even after 15+ years have passed, a certain website will notify you that no, some people will stick to their wheelhouse of being a total douche.
From "Shut up, PAUL" (my new pet name for him)'s announcements page at Classmates.com, completely unedited with exception to the removal last names:
Subject: ROCKVILLE CUTIES
"LOOKING FOR THOSE OLD ROCJVILLE CUTIES. I KNOW MANY OF YOU HAVE 2 OR 3 KIDS NOW BUT IF YOU STILL LOOK GOOD GIVE PAULIE A SHOUT. CANT WAIT TO HEAR FROM YA ALL."
This was the first that had my mouth drop. "If you still look good" after having children, the third person "give Paulie a shout".
"Easy stomach," said I.
"Subject: Hello Ladies|
I am looking for Alison[lastname], Amy [lastname], Kristen [lastname], Lori[lastname] and many others. Ladies if you happen to read this leave me a message. Thanks."
Yeah, I suppose could be fairly innocent on its own,... I guess but if you knew the guy and/or read it after the first announcement,....still, ew.
However, Robert Herrick here saves his best work for last: