Some days (or weeks even), I swear the Universe is determined to locate my last available nerve for the sole objective (and subsequent braggin' rights) of saying it has performed Lord of the Dance on it.
How else do you explain these 2 events of this morning alone?
Brand new black turtleneck. First cool, Fall-like day to wear it. Noticed on walk into work a barely worth mentioning, teensy-tiny V-shaped tear on the seam of the cuff. Noted to myself, "huh, better sew that so it doesn't get any worse."
Within SECONDS of this thought, and clearly pre-coffee, I pulled down on my cuffs to cover most of my hand, a habit of mine when I'm cold. That stupid ass move landed me with this:
"THANK you, Marshall's turtleneck. No really, 'THANK' you."
(except I wasn't really sayin' "thank")
And so, my Mini-McGuyver skills were called upon. As usual, they rose to the occassion du-jour:
Seriously, Universe, you do NOT want to step to this. Sure, I may not be a girl who carries duct tape and Pez dispensers and rolls of twine in her purse for when I am in a jam...BUT I GOT BINDER CLIPS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE! Yeah, Universe, didn't plan on THAT one, didya?
Sadly, this wasn't even the most gut-wrenching, terrifying part of my morning.
(I can't believe I am going to tell you what I am about to tell you)
(this is the part where I draw the comparison "what's worse, strangers flashing "chicken lights" and brangin cherry pie to your mom or this?")
(Okay, like a Band-Aid as they say, right?)
The last dream I had prior to work was uh, ...what you might call an "amorous dream" of sorts.
(Fine, it was a fucking sex dream, are ya happy now?)
With not one, but count 'em TWO men.
(I know, I know, am absolute WHORE, I get it.)
I understand why he might've made a guest appearance as just recently I'd seem him interviewed by Matt Lauer about becoming a Born Again Christian. While I don't claim understand the particulars of this faith, I was actually surprised by the interview because, 1) although I knew he was raised with a traditional Catholic upbringing, his personality didn't exactly scream Bible beater/preachin' the Gospel/"Praise Jesus!". His rep lends itself a little closer to "Guy who brings a coupla sixers of Schlitz to the party."
Isn't he sweet? I think I'll take him home to Mother.
What has also pleasantly surprised and (quite frankly impressed) me was that he actually gave his opinion thoughtfully and respectfully (i.e. "This is just MY opinion...". "This is what *I* needed in my life to become fulfilled...", etc. as opposed to Tom Cruise who came off like a condescending, brainwashed zealot). So I guess is safe to assume he's still been on the brain (and now on...other... parts...) (sorry).
Here's where it gets painful...hurtful...
The second celeb?
(oh Dear Lord...Band-Aid...just like ripping off a Band-Aid...)
(this is gonna be worse than that one time I admitted I had a crush on Huey Lewis when I was 12)
(Jess, for the Love of God, I was TWELVE!!)
Anyway, the second celeb...in the (gross, this is so gross...)threesome...
Danny. fucking. DeVito.
I know, I know, I know. How does one even respond to that?
Like that I'm guessing?
Lots of blinking too?
(in my defense it's not like we were "doing it-doing it" but the kind of...and I mean, it wasn't like I dong anything to him either...what can I say, I'm a really lazy lov....excuse me, what?...no, this not helping? just stop already? And, "why don't you pass me the the bleach already?")
Listen, I'm sure if Rhea Pearlman were to ever read this she'd be all, "Listen to me, you little tramp, you'd be LUCKY to have a lover as good as my Danny. LUCKY! You HEAR ME?!" Which, I dunno, maybe...just sayin he aint my type. Or, you know, so I thought as of yesterday.
(Feel free to remove me from your blogroll after this entry. I totally understand, believe you me.)
(I totally would.)
And unlike Stephen, I have absolutely NO idea how he got there "in the mix" so to speak. I mean, it's not like I just saw Twins on TBS or anything.
Now I am afraid to go to sleep tonight. Do you blame me?
"Oooh, Dannnnnny! ....YES! YES! YES! RIGHT THERE! OH! YES! YES!!"
(And by the way, Danny doesn't even take his glasses off when he's messing around either. Just thought you should know.)