Okay people, if you are a fan of the site but have always have felt it has been lacking ....something, but you just couldn't quite put your finger on it? Well, today is your lucky day because I think I may have found that missing element. You ready?
Erotica!
Misspelled, badly constructed, made up worded, poorly educated erotica!
Listen, don't go all prude on me; we all got needs. And it's my hope that this "afilling" yours as much as it does mine (mine being the Need to Mock, but if this makes you hot, hey, who am I to judge?).
But before I go any further, I am declaring this Delurk Post. Yeah, there was a delurk week about 8 months ago but if you have been reading long enough, you know there's nothing about me that reads "punctual". And I know you're there, okay? It's called "Sitemeter". And if this doesn't speak to you on some level, then clearly you are dead inside. ************************************************************************************************************************
My sister Em used to work for Travelers Life & Annuity some years back. There was a young woman who was not long for the TL&A organization. When Em took over her cubicle, she found this letter in her desk which appears to have been written to her would-be lover. Now when Em told me about this letter's existence, she had to fax it over because viewing it comprised half its beauty and perfection. By the sheer fact that it's about 6 years post the original penning and I still have a copy of it I think speaks to that. Or that I'm an asshole who enjoys making fun of people. Whichever.
Anyway...
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The letter begins innocently enough, "Dear Love". I'll let you take over from there.
Yeah, I'll give you a minute.
Alright, I understand trying to comment on this would be like being the no-name band dumb enough to try and take up the stage to perform the The Beatles' encore. I'll try and give it shot anyway, and with any luck, I won't get booed off the stage.
She starts off that she's a young mother of twin girls, that she has an ok job but that she's "come to a stump [sic] I [sic] my life..." -- Bit of a brain scratcher, much like ... a stump. Or... being stumped. Or...I don't know. We can assume the woman's at a crossroads in her life.
She continues that she craves change, both professionally (from annuities to auto computer aided drafting) and sexually ("my sex life is not that great").
"I have a boyfrient [sic] but he is not afilling [sic] my sexual need"-- A salient point to bring up to a prospective lover, I'll give her that.
"I want my man to kiss me softly allove [sic] my boby [sic]" -- Say it, sister, say it. I want a man to kiss me softly all over my boby too.
"I want my man to kiss me gel (?) in my other lips" -- Well, at least she isn't being vulgar.
"and curris [sic] me all over" -- It seems as though the "all over" aspect is lacking here as she mentions this more than once. Maybe she should consider drawing a map on her body with some arrows and Xs-- I mean, it may prove beneficial in terms of enhancing her man's execution. It's not like they're known for stopping to ask for directions, right?
"and lik [sic] and like he never did before" -- Alright, now she's just getting bossy. Demanding little minx, eh?
The next part, which details the act of intercourse itself, is too embarrassing for me to comment on. So I'm going to skip that bit and head back north of the equator. (though I think the "stock" in "stock me" is "stroke", much like the one I have every time I read this).
"I want him to kiss me on my nipable [sic]"-- Uh, "nipable"? Okay, apparently I was out that day when they went over anatomy. So that's what it's called.
"lik the stuck weth [sic, sic and sic]"-- Okay, I've come to a stump in the letter as I have absolutely no idea what that means. Clearly this girl is pretty advanced in the ways of bedroom gymnastics.
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Okay, so what have we learned here?
1) Men: kiss, lik and curris us all over, including (but definitely not limited to) our nipables.
2) Ladies: ask for what you need.
and finally,
3) Don't be stupid enough to leave sexually explicit letters at your place of employment. If you do, you're just begging for it to be found by an asshole like me.
