Lately I've been thinking about the Idiot Tax. You've probably never heard of it. It's not something that you'll be filing by April 15th or anything you can pool your receipts for deductions. I've been thinking about it lately because it occurred to me that if this was something real, I've a feeling I'd be pretty broke right now.
Growing up my mother had coined the phrase "idiot tax". Idiot Tax was an imaginary fee that one had to pay when said idiot had committed an act or said something that was so stupid, so inane, that they had no choice but to pony up. Usually, the collector was reduced to tears (from laughing so hard) or complete silence (from shock/disbelief). Invoices were sent by an outreached hand, palm facing upward and was payable immediately. One could and rightly argue that with the 4 kids my mom housed, that if this tax were real dollars, she'd be living pretty large right now. I'm talking pool boy, tennis courts and a gardener large.
Examples of clutch taxpayers:
My sister Em (circa 1995?): My family had been watching TV and it was decided by someone that we required some TV watching fare. Em was volunteered to run the errand and incredibly didn't put up too much of a fight (I guess the novelty of having a drivers license hadn't worn off yet. And let me tell you, going to 7-11 on behalf of my mom was one of my MAJOR pet peeves growing up. Even if I did scam candy money). Any. way. She had a list. All of Two. Items. Deep. And yes, as if straight out of a Seinfeld episode, she returned with chips and seltzer. Of course we had charged her with obtaining chips and SALSA. Chips and SELTZER, Em? what were you thinking?? Were you just that STUPID? Answer: WELL, HELL YES YOU WERE.
Me, 1996: Growing up I wasn't exactly the pinnacle of neat and orderly. The floor in my room was what I'd like to think was my very own version of "Where's Waldo". Except, you know, the floor. Usually found covered 99% with clothes, both clean and previously worn but not hung up. This level of organization was practiced until age 25 or so. I'm not proud but nevertheless this was the case. So anyway, there you have me getting ready for something and I needed my red blazer. I had, as I'd alerted the masses including my mom, "looked everywhere". After about 10 frantic trips up & down the stairs, I started to get really pissed and the rants soon commenced as I had been many a time victim to "the klepto younger sister syndrome", so who knew where the hell this thing was. After about a 20 minute search, I decided to abandon all hope for the red blazer and don another look. I went right to my closet, ....and there...hung up....like ON A HANGER ALL RESPONSIBLE DON'T YOU KNOW, ...was the red blazer. Apparently it hadn't occurred to me to look, you know, THERE. I mean, c'mon. Me? Hang something up? Please. So I eventually had to admit this and pay the fine...after my mom had collected her composure first.
Dear, sweet Brian, age 15: I feel guilty collecting idiot tax from this kid. It's like taking money from Forrest Gump. Really. But sometimes you gotta show the tough love because otherwise? It's some punk on the street that takes his money and really, wouldn't it be better if we kept that money in-house??
During my brother's high school years, Brian lived with my dad in Baltimore. This point will be important later. Brian had been visiting with his very loving, supportive family for school break. My mom's was having a conversation with him and she was giving him some information that according to him, Emily has already shared. Except he didn't say that. He told her, all hip, "don't worry, mom. Em's already given me the 4-1-0". I had been passing the room at the exact moment this comment was spoken and nearly peed my pants. I barged into the room and declared, "Brian! You idiot! THAT'S YOUR AREA CODE!!"
This is one story with a happy ending though. This was one tax that actually got refunded because it was so perfect that it's been incorporated into family rhetoric forever. So whenever we're giving information or we're asking for it, we say, "what's the 4-1-0?" So people, we know the real expression, alright? We're just smarter than you to get a better one.
Wow, a published author? I think I have to send you money for that last statement.....D'Oh! very entertaining!
Posted by: Steve | March 26, 2005 at 07:17 PM
I LOVE the fact that my first mention in this website is for something that happened TEN YEARS AGO!!! It was an honest mistake! seltzer... salsa what is the difference??? moving on people moving on.....I'm thinking you missed a sibling for the idiot tax write ups....why must kate go unharmed?? I think she needs one published. work on it and get back to me....anyhew....love the site.
Posted by: Emily responsible for the creation of IDIOT TAX | March 28, 2005 at 11:24 AM
cincinnati and adelphia and time warner crosbystillsnash and young matureporno amendments to the us constitution how experienced am i
coloring pages of sports blink 182 shut up professional 20magic highwayman grin and bare it tatoo in fitchburg ma
Posted by: Mary-yt | December 09, 2008 at 03:34 AM