"Hello, this is Willimina Pistachio..."

Maybe I should call this "Further Evidence Why I Am Not Part of the Kool Kids Klub". Maybe I should just Chair the Fool Kids Klub already.

And while I’m at it with all the prefacing, I’d also like to add that some people should not be allowed to have cell phones when they are out and about. And by "some people" I mean "me".

Here is why.

St Patrick’s Day:

I'm out at a local watering hole with some work colleagues (as you do) including my friend, Steve. Somewhere around 9:00 p.m. I realized that the bar we were at was about 1 block from the house of a mutual friend. Armed with this realization, I said to Steve, "wouldn’t it be funny if we just showed up at his doorstep and said ‘Hey, Mr. B. Howya doin’? Can we come in?’" Steve nodded and agreed that this would be amusing. He may have been humoring me. I don’t know. Regardless, we didn't act upon it as it would have involved walking a block in the cold AND ceasing the consumption of beer – both huge negatives for this plan to be effective.

Never one to be deterred and still with the mindset that we must bother this poor man simply because we were within spitting distance to his home, I got yet another brilliant idea and once again relayed it to Steve. "Wouldn’t it be funny if we cranked called him? I mean, nothing bad but just to get a rise out of him??" and once again Steve agreed that it would indeed be funny. He even seemed sincere.  That was, until I told him I was actually going to do it. And that’s when he cowered, "I want nooooo part of this". And that’s when I think I said something about him not having a certain part of the male anatomy and walked outside to place the call.

Having not done one of these since 1983, I felt a little nervous. Was this going to be like riding a bike; that it would just come back to you??  Channeling my 10 year-old self, I knew I would first have to get the nervous giggles out of my system. (Check.) I knew I needed an unassuming alias. (Check.) I knew I needed a reason to call – with a good punch line – and preferably old school so he knew I doing this WITH RESPECT! (check, check and check.) All set!

And then.... almost immediately ....the wheels began to fall off….

"Hello. This is Willimina Pistachio. I am taking a survey. Is your refrigerator running?"

"Uh, I should hope so"

(Enter stage left: Wheel One)

"Oh, okay. Um, so do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

"Uhh, no…."

(Enter stage right: Wheel Two)

"Oh, you should left him out! Hee. Hee."

"Uh, huh. Okay."

By his silence I realize he has no idea who this is. I had thought he would've had caller ID like everyone else in the free world but I now am getting the distinct impression he doesn’t and really has no idea this is me. So I fold and let him off the hook…

"Hey Mr. B, it’s me."

"Oh hi, you. How are you?"

"Good. Did I wake you? [ed. note: it’s 9:30]. Steve and I are about a block from your house and thought we’d call you. By the way, Steve says to say he wanted no part of this. I said he has no balls. "

"No, you didn’t wake me…so, you know so-n-so’s in town? …" and then some polite chit chat.

He ended the call with, "Okay, take care. Have a good night. Party on."

I cannot believe I screwed up not one but two crank call jokes in a row. The first one I had the opportunity to say the punch line ("then you’d better go catch it!") and the second I didn’t have an opening for the punch line but said it anyway.

I guess this is why it’s best to leave the crank calling to the 10 year-olds who make them.

Note from the author:

I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to Willimina Pistachio who is a real person who went to grammar school with my mother. I’ve always enjoyed your name.

Comments

[Gorilla, The White]

My favorite alias has always been Mortimer Crinklebine.

[Teri]

Actually, she was a relative. She was Wilhemina McCauhey until she met and married the love of her life Rudy Pistachio....talk about bad Karhma.

[Once More]

You mean I am RELATED to this woman?? GAH! Oh, so then it was *Mary Christmas* who went to school with my mom.

[Teri]

I'm not familiar with Ms. Christmas...so maybe, but I wouldn't suggest using her name for your gag phone calls...way too confusing. You'd NEVER get to the punch line.