Once More with Feeling.

I NEED, I NEED.

So how cool are these necklaces? I tend to like the light blue ones, particularly this one and this one. Just 8 short shopping months until my birthday. I'm just sayin.

South Beach Diet

On the bus ride home today I was thinking of conducting a sort of self-improvement experiment by way of The Diet.  As is stands now, when I actually DO go to the grocery store (one of the things I hate most in this world) my receipt resembles that of a six year-old with a credit card on a carb bender. You think I kid, but I shit you not.  A look at the receipt from my last trip:

• Pop Tarts
• Potato chips
• Geneva Pepperidge Farm Cookies
• IBC Rootbeer (in my defense, I bought diet)
• English muffins
• Vanilla frosting (which I ate the leftover with a knife straight out of the can while watching TV)
• 40 pack pizza bagel bites
• 2 six packs Gatorade (for when I "work out")
• 2 boxes of waffles (on clearance for a buck a box)
• 1 bag Tostitos
• 1 jar salsa
• 1 sleeve Sierra Mist Free (better than Sprite)
• pre-sliced carrots & celery sticks so that I can dip into
• Ranch dressing tub

The diet idea came to be from the fact that I may be in Miami  in a few short weeks and thus in a 2 piece bathing suit and THUS PLUS a LITTLE FREAKED OUT about that last part. Sooooo, I am going to see if I can make the attempt of not eating so much crap (as it is, most of that list is already eaten) and maybe show my face at the gym (I guess I do pay them for a reason).

Interestingly enough though, I was DAYDREAMING about one little gem I've left off that list.  It was THIS and I dare you to find a better cookie. I was going to save them (yah, right) for when I had friends over cuz nothing says klass and sohpistikation like fancy French cookies whilst guzzling, I mean, sipping red wine.  THEY ARE SO AWESOME. They are ...PERFECTION.

Twelve come to a box and I thought there were six left.  However, when I got home I only found three. I actually asked Mike if he'd eaten some  -and very aware of modifying my tone (what I was feeling the second) from accusatory to don't-care/just-wonderin' inquiry  to get him to slip up and admit it. He had not. Oh. So I guess that just leaves me. My point is I was daydreaming about the last of these cookies while designing my new "Miami Diet".

This cannot be a good sign of things to come.

True Love 4-Eva

Had an e-mail conversation with Fancy today and the subject of Tom Cruise came up.  There was a very funny discussion of Joey Potter & Maverick's relationship which I thought she would find hilarious (to wit: his "somewhat-unfortunate 'man-bangs' period" hee.).  I think that this relationship is giving legions of women who thought he was too old for them newfound hope. And hey, why not? Just don't let him brainwash you with all that Scientology crap.

As it was/is,  Tomás was Fancy's "high school boyfriend" and went on to describe her shrine/altar she had to him back in the day and who her runner-ups  were (what I like to call, the "In Case of Emergency/Break Glass" guys). They were Magnum P.I. (still hot - which is strange for me to say, as I am not a fan of mustaches) & Hans Solo.

This drove me to confess my TV heartthrobs. Nothing remarkable - Philip McKeon (from the show "Alice"), Scott Baio (so fucking original, I know), and Kirk Cameron (love, love, looooooved him).  For whatever reason, I felt the need to round out the group with someone not even on TV really (unless you consider MTV) and added, "I think I might have had a thing for Huey Lewis, too." 

Huh? Yeah, I know.

What I got back in an e-mail titled "I Want a New Drug" was "you owe me a new keyboard.....I just shot soda out my nose when I read Huey Lewis...".

Yeah, I knew this wasn't gonna be one of my finer admissions to her. I mean, I wasn't expecting a "ooooooh, good one. I never even thought to add him - yeah, he WAS hot". And yeah, in retrospect, an odd choice.  But in my defense, at the time when I liked him, he was in his early 30s. People in their 30s aren't old!! Right, people who read this who are in their 30s???? And sure, he was a little goofy but MOST OF THE WOMEN WHO READ THIS SITE ARE MARRIED OR COMMITTED TO GOOFY GUYS.  So who's the weird one now, bitches?

God, I can't believe I am actually defending Huey Lewis.

So anyway, anyone else have any interesting middle/high school famous crushes? It's okay people. You're in a safe place.

Signed,

So, So Glad I  Didn't Tell Her About Peter Cetera.

P.S. Bonus points to the girl who says, "David Hasslehoff from his Knight Rider days."

Excuse #58

Why I Cannot Go the Gym:

I realize that most offices aren't spots of warmth and comfort and coziness, but when I realized that my shoulders were scrunched up to my ears and could have sworn I saw my breath in my cubicle, I asked Frances over the cube wall if she was cold ("yes! it's freezing in here!"),  I took a walk over to the thermostat.  I then uttered the words, "DAN! THOSE FUCKING GUYS - DID. IT. AGAIN!". Always screwing with the thermostat.

The thermostat was on FIFTY. 5 - 0! As if OFF. Plus it's been RAINING and COLD and my collar was still a little damp, it was like having an a/c on wet clothes (shut up).

Fortunately, the Dans were safely at lunch when I made this little discovery. Don't worry, I dealt with the Dan responsible for this lapse in judgment and common courtesy to your colleagues (I believe the combo of a berating, followed by a threat should he do that again and a kick to the shin was method I employed). Anyway... it was lunch and I was freezing and I needed to get warm.  So, I went to the cafe in the building (too cold and rainy to go out) and got the chili.

A small. cup. of chili.

I don't usually like regular chili - I hate beans. Don't like the flavor or the texture of 'em. I like to eat the meat and tomatoes part, so I usually eat around the beans.  Well, that process tends to be a bit tedious, so a few do sneak by undetected into my spoon.

Well....what do they say about beans and the thing about musical fruit?? Um, Not. Pleasant. Hell, even I was offended.

Soooo....... I can't go the gym tonight cuz I'm a bit....gassy. Exercising and moving around and being near people for extended periods of time and nowhere to hide.

Yeaaaaah, I think I will pass on the gym tonight. And I was SO going otherwise.

For Shame.

9:43 p.m. Phone rings.

Me: Hello?

Kate: Hi there.

Me: Hi.

Kate: Tell me you are not watching the same thing I am watching.

Me: (knowing full well what she's getting at) Uh...n-no.

Kate: No?

Me: Um, no. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Kate: The flowers....

Me: The husband..., I...

Kate: Nick & Jessica's Tour of Duty!

Me: She totally knew she was gonna be reunited with her husband when she  was reading the teleprompter...

Kate: You cannot watch this stuff with postpartum hormones. No, I'm not crying *sniff*

Me: Yep, me neither. *sniff* I'm fine.

Kate: I was watching this and was like, "who can I call right now? Can't talk to Dan about this."

Me: Yeah, I'm flipping between this and Dr. 90210 because Jessica totally over-sings every song. It's so annoying.

Kate: Okay, gotta go. Commercials over. Bye.

Cuz Waking Up Is Hard To Do

Consider this post alternately titled, "Can You Handle My Truth? Can You?" and imagine it being spoken with a Britney drawl.

Never been a morning person - never will. Today yet another prime example. First thing after my morning pee, go to brush my teeth. Still not yet awake. Take toothbrush to my mouth. Miss mouth. Swipe cheek with green line of toothpaste.

Other examples:

Wondering, "did I rinse the conditioner out of my hair?"

Overheard:

"Awwww, damnit!" as I go into the shower with my underwear/pajama bottoms/socks on.

Wondering at work: Did I remember to put on deodorant?

Easiest 5 bucks made by anyone who is near me:

(feeling ambitious) "Mike, let's make a bet. If I go the the gym tomorrow morning, I win 5 bucks." (note: I even slept in my workout clothes and did see the clock when it was time to get up.)

Overheard:

"Awwww, damnit" -  as I spray deodorant into my hair. (Note to self, go forward, buy deodorant sticks).

Bullshit

I joined Gold's Gym over a year ago and in March decided to go somewhere else. Signing up at the gym was no issue - they were more than happy to take my credit card right on the spot to charge the "initiation" and 1st month membership on the premise.  But apparently....APPARENTLY canceling a membership is a whole 'nother animal.  I had to send a certified letter to their WALTHAM OFFICE giving them 30 days notice and await their receipt of same. I did. And I got their "parting is such sweet sorrow" postcard. I had to suck up the fact that I was going to be billed for April.

Today I took a gander at my bank statement online, and wouldn't you know Gold's hit me in May for another month. Didn't I cancel this? Back IN MARCH.  The MIDDLE of March. St. Patrick's Day to be exact. I called  to get some answers and they told me that I am still showing as an active member. Which leads me to believe that Mike is also still an active member in their records. What also kills me (in the list of things that are starting to pile up the more outraged I get) is that I was forced to write - certfied no less- to another office instead of  canceling locally. I guess they are not equipped to handle such a complicated transaction even though every other gym I've belonged to has - and without a letter. Well, see how well THAT worked out. So glad I followed their rules step-by-bullshit-step.

I now have to wait until Monday for a manager to call me.  Even if they refund the money without any debate, I vow to never again to be a member of Gold's Gym.  You can get your $40 a month donation from some other sucker.

Top Banana

In other good news, as reported by MSN, Fox has magnanimously renewed Arrested Development. Now if they can just give it a good time slot, I think the fear of canceling this great show should subside. That is to say, in my opinion, I don't think they should put it up against ABC on Sunday nights. Put on Mondays. Nothing good is on Mondays!

"Good news for fans of top-notch dysfunctional-family comedy: The Bluths are coming back. Fox announced on Monday that it has renewed the low-rated but critically beloved "Arrested Development" for a third season. This calls for a celebration -- frozen bananas for everyone!"

"...And Introducing Owen Daniel as Himself"

Owen Daniel 007
Originally uploaded by once more.

Today the world welcomed Owen Daniel at 1:30 p.m. tipping the scales at 7 lbs, 15 oz. and 20 1/2 inches long. And unlike his sister, he was not at ALL hesitant in trying out his lungs. No sir, no chirp, chirp meepish warm-up cry for this kid. Just, top of his lungs, the moment he got fresh air, "BWAAAAAAAAH....BWAAAAAH". Like buddy, RELAX.
Mama & Owen will be in the hospital until at least Thursday, so I brought the essentials that Mama will require during her stay.

The inventory:

Entertainment Weekly
Us Weekly (last week's)
Us Weekly (this week's)
In Touch (last week's)
In Touch (this week's)
Life & Style
Cosmopolitan (Jessica Simpson cover
girl)
3 Rice Krispie Treats (from Brueggers Bagel shop, one eaten by me)
3 chocolate chip cookies (also from Brueggers)
1 20 oz Diet Coke (upon request of The Mama)
1 20 oz Cherry Coke (thought it was regular - oops)
1 package Twizzlers

I must admit, I'm feeling a little guilty about all the junk food - well, sorta. I brought it in for when I thought she (or husband Dan) would be "up for it" (like tomorrow when hospital food wasn't cutting it) but she took a few bites of a cookie and one bite of the Rice Krispie Treat. Hey, she's a nurse - she should know the limitations of C-Section post-op. This isn't even her 1st time. But still, the allure of the junk was too great for her to resist and soon after downing a full cup of water, the button marked "Reverse" was hit, and I got to see her puke it up. Uh, ...my bad? Now seeing as Kate is a nurse - a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL, if you will, she knows that if her nurse sees, um, "Exhibit A" she will know that contraband was smuggled in and consumed. TROUBLE! The aide arrived asking what happened and Kate's response, "yeah, think I just drank too much water". Yeah, that's only the half of it, sister. Apparently the aide wasn't really looking - cuz even this insurance person could tell, "Honey, that aint water you seeing". The aide asked her, "Do you want me to get the nurse?" and Kate's all, "oh no..no, that's okay". Heh.

Anyway, on a brighter note, for Owen's first week here in Boston, Kate can tell him ALLLLL about Jen and Brad and Angelina and how Nicole Ritchie is in need of a few pounds and Britney's expectations with ratface and Jen and Ben's news, and what is up with Lindsay Lohan's hair and Tom and Katie's icky relationship and Jessica and her troubles and ...and ...well, see? There is just so much to tell him!! Hopefully this week he can catch up on all his current events!

A Time to Kill

Well, I have an hour and fifteen minutes until I meet the girls for a few cocktails and thought I'd post.  Hmmm, what to say...

Ooh, here's one thing - I got busted pretty hard in a lie this morning. Mike already knew I was late in sending the rent checks because I lost his check while he was away on business last week. I found his check (as well as a few of his other bills I was supposed to mail...eh. heh...heh. oops.) on the 11Th.  Last night he asked me, "so, you send in the rent checks?" and I'm all, "uh ...huh" (think that was my exact response knowing an "uh ....huh" is more open to interpretation than a "yes").  The truth was, I TRIED to HAND DELIVER it yesterday (the 12Th) right after work but the office was closed. I felt weird sliding 2 checks under the door so I decided I'd mail them the next day.  So, yeah, I lied because I didn't want him to get mad at me for being irresponsible when I all I wanted to do was hand deliver them thereby avoiding the additional time because of the mail. If you can, you know, follow my logic here.

This morning,  when he drove me to work I asked him to pull over to this no name building on the way. Of course, this prompted the dreaded "why?" question to which I had to answer, "um, ...justgottaruninanddropofftherentchecksrealquick-bye!"

Immediately, this caused Mike to promulgate me as, "LIAR!" and then many variations of the word "liar" and "you lie" and "so busted". 

Um, yeah - so what's your point?