So I happened to have left out one bit about the Maine trip - and that would be the drive up. There was what I'm calling a... a small incident. You see, my co-pilot has been known on occasion to make observations or statements that, if there was such a thing, could win him the Johnny Obvious Crown. And of course, because I am charming and cute and all thing wonderful, I am then compelled to remark on his "insightful insights". For the life of me, I can't remember what he said in the car but for the sake of argument we'll say it went down something like this:
Him: Boy, anvils sure are heavy.
Me: Anvils - heavy? really? I hadn't really thought about it - but now that you mention it, I bet they are. Interesting. Anvils...heavy...wow...
Given what followed, what I do know, that is, it is my educated opinion that my response may have not been well received. Because instead of getting an "ohhhh, youuuu!" what I got was a large elbow/forearm bump to the head/shoulder. Did I mention the part where I am DRIVING? Like on the HIGHWAY? Yeah, anyone else see a problem with this???
Rule #1 of Car Etiquette:
Don't fuck with the driver (especially when it's me).
Pretty simple, no? One rule, that's all there is here. (I mean, we can get into radio station ownage but even that still manages to fall under the "don't fuck with the driver" directive.)
At this point I feel the need to respond as efficiently and effectively as possible to express my displeasure of him physically accosting me while DRIVING, as you may recall, on the HIGHWAY. I did what I had to do.
I balled up my hand into a fist and with conviction (want to make my feelings of dismay known with no room for interpretation) hit him squarely in the middle of his thigh. However, almost as if an invisible bulls-eye and my fist the arrow, I hit his money clip. His METAL money clip. Made of METAL. Which HURTS FISTS, in case you were wondering. But I can't show that I am hurt. OH NOOO, I have to play it off like, "oh, I knew that was there and meant to do that because, you see, I thought it would be more painful ...f-for you". I guess it's good I am in the insurance biz and not acting profession cuz the next words were...
Him: (laughing) Yeah, that hurt, didn't it?
(what? was it the sharp intake of air through the nose and the clenched jaw trying not to swear that gave me away??)
Me: yeah, um...little bit, little bit.
(moment later)
Me: WHO ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH KEEPS THEIR MONEY CLIP IN THEIR FRONT POCKET?! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE BACK! MONEY! IN THE BACK! THAT IS WHERE IT GOES - WHY CAN'T YOU BE NORMAL? GOD! Also, is it my fault you say stupid things? LET ME TELL YOU, NO, NO IT IS NOT!
I eventually got over it - I mean, it took ice cream and the beach and a Banana Republic Outlet store, and a steak ....but I got over it. Still, everyone should uphold the credence Don't Fuck with the Driver (especially when it's me....unless of course you have a money clip in your front pocket to protect yourself).