South of the Border

It's inevitable that we'll find ourselves at the doctor's office for a check-up or whatever and while it's usually not a harrowing experience, still, it's nothing people generally look forward to. No one digs being poked and prodded, and for the guys, I'm told, hearing the words, "...and cough" and so it can be mildly stressful or uncomfortable. But sometimes? Sometimes these visits can be pretty damn funny. I mean, you're naked. You're vulerable. You're a prime target for funny.

I was reminded of my own "downstairs doctor" story when my sister, Emily, e-mailed the Rules for Self Tanning to me, our other sister and our Aunt . Part of her distress (and thus the need to share the "Rules") was caused from an uneven self tanning experience.  However, another contributing factor was  she had an upcoming ob/gyn appointment.  Her claim was that due to "her modesty" she wore underwear while applying the lotion and now there was a nice bold line across her stomach where her underwear reached and she wanted to blend it but had nothing in the house to do so.

My Aunt Teri, sensing my feeling of, "kid, this is why you worry??" responded with these 2 tales:

"Don't worry Em,  you still won't be as bad at the ob/gyn's office as my sister's friend who was seriously close to filing charges against her Dr. when his first comment upon examining her was "well, that's festive".......only to later find out that her toddler had poured his glitter into the talcum powder she had used to quickly "freshen up" with before she ran to her appointment....or my friend who used a tissue from her purse, for a last minute" tidying", and only found out AFTER her appointment, that there had also been a postage stamp stuck to it (which, of course, had then stuck to her)...Oh the stories those doctors could tell!"

While I can't compete with art glitter and postage stamps, I feel I would be remiss if I didn't add my own small tale. 

I'm pretty much a big, fat baby when it comes to going to The Downstairs Doctor. And I love how they say, "you're gonna feel some pressure."  Ooooh, ... that's what that is?? Sure you're not secretly PUNCHING ME IN THE GUT? FROM THE INSIDE?

Sometimes when I get nervous or uncomfortable I will make dumb jokes and the opportunity definitely presented itself here. While the doc was, uh, "going to town" in places, pressing on my stomach and taking so long I was beginning to think she was searching for the Holy Grail, we shared the following exchange:

Her: (seeing me grimace) Yeah, sorry I am taking so long. Just want to make sure I found your uterus.  Yeah.......there it is. You have an retroverted uterus. No worries. That's pretty common.

Me: (deadpan) Retroverted uterus? What does that mean? That it's....shy?

Her: (pause, look of disdain) No, that's INTROv...

Me:  (smirk) Yeah,...I kno....

Her: ....verted. "Retroverted" means it's tilted back.

Me: (giving her the look of  "thanks... for the vocab lesson") Thanks. I know what it means.

Her: (Sort of fake laugh) Heh. (look of "you really need to buy a dictionary")

Apparently she did not see my smirk (I was afraid laugh/move much when I said it. You understand).

Either that, or they do not teach Sarcasm 101 at Harvard.

(Then again, this is also the same woman I have told when asked "method of birth control?" answered, "Prayer". So maybe it's just that she hates me.)

Anyone else have a funny doctor appt./ER story?

Comments

[Emily]

My self tanning story stemmed from I had to go BACK to the doctor that when I had last seen her we had yet ANOTHER embarassing story. First pregnancy visit (yes it's public knowlege now)sweet devoted husband joins me during this visit. It's his first time in an OB/GYN so he is really taken aback by all the pictures and diagrams etc...he dosen't know where to look. But sitting in the doctor's office she turns to me and says "now Emily we're going to go into the room and do a quick exam to see how far along you are...feel around a little". My husband who is sweet and thinking my poor wife has been here for over an hour already what more could you do to her is there any way we can check something off of this list of things to do responds "don't worry she had me to do that last night..." I don't think my face could have gotten any redder or his face could have looked anymore like he was saying "wha?? what did i do wrong???? i'm helping!" I had to turn to the woman and clearly explain to her that i did NOT ask my husband to give me an "internal exam" last night to help determine how far along I was but merely asked him to LOOK at the outside of my stomach and tell me if it looked different (which was a loaded request anyway). I had to quickly turn to him and say "it's REALLY NOT the same thing kris, REALLY NOT the same thing at ALL". Needless to say he is in the room during the fun exam where they say the line "you'll feel some pressure" and my response is "not if you give me some wine!" because I too have the Lilienthal Retroverted uterus which requires some "searching". By the end of the exam kris who has been sitting up with me by my head just looked at the doctor pale faced and says "yeah no she didn't ask me to do that to her". Doctor smirks responds "didn't think so" and walks out.

[Megger]

I used to have a doctor who had a poster of Garfield on the ceiling. You didn't notice it until you laid back. It said Why Me? And had a pic of Garfield with his arms up in the air and looking in the sky. I remember thinking my doc had a pretty good sense of humor to put a poster like that up there. My dentist has a tv in the ceiling, now that would be cool at the gyno's office!

[roo]

I just found this story in your archives, and my tummy is getting sore from laughing so hard. I thought it couldn't get any funnier than the postage stamp incident (brings a whole new meaning to the word "mailbox", doesn't it?). But then I read Emily's comment. Good lord! Funny must run in the family!