My Mom and The Internet.

I had a pretty good idea what I was in for when I left my apartment to go to my mother's place to help her with her new computer. I think my exact words to Mike as we headed out were, "May God have mercy on my soul."

What happens when you are dealing with someone  whose knowledge of the Internet, e-mail, anything cyber-related is nil and you are one who has used same in one capacity or another for the better part of 15 years?  Well, I can tell you firsthand the time spent together is going to take on a certain Helen Keller/Annie Sullivan quality.  Except the Helen Keller in my scenario just happens to be the woman who gave me life.

Yeaaaah.

The agenda for the night was tackling the formidable giant, E-mail.   Prior to my arrival, we were on the phone and she explained that her housemate Matt had already set her up with an e-mail account.  So I sent her a few e-mails so she could test herself in getting/replying to them.  After much back & forth, she finally found the notes but was unable to open them. I told her, plain as day, "click on MY NAME." I could tell she wasn't.  I think she was clicking on the envelope icon.  She then mentioned that she noticed that my name would be underlined when she went on my name (like I TOLD HER TO DO).  Overjoyed I exclaimed, "That's IT, Mom. That's it!" but inexplicably it wasn't opening.  Exasperated, I told her, "Listen Ma, I can dry my hair and drive [the 45 minutes] down there before you're gonna figure this out. Let me do that. WALK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. Please, WALK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER.  Honestly, you're giving ME an aneurysm right now."

When I arrived, we got right down to business.  I showed her the photos which I'd e-mailed her earlier, which she thoroughly enjoyed,  set a few things up in her e-mail, showed her some very limited computer items such as Favorites and, God forgive me, Google (which was already displayed on her main page - not my fault).  I wanted to go back into her e-mail to do something else, and that's when the the highlight of the evening had finally arrived.

Mom, what's your password?

My password?

Uh, your password to get into your e-mail?

Ummmmmm......

[bracing myself, blinking quickly] You're kidding me.

I *think* it's blahblah.

Okay.. [types]...nope.

How about ...blahblah2?

[types]

Nope.

Um, blahbla1?

[typing, shaking head no]

Tryyyyyy just blah. Did we try that one yet?

Still nothing.  You mean to tell me you didn't think to WRITE THIS DOWN??

Yeah, well when Matt was setting this up, I thought I should be but...I...

{thinking: do.not.be.mean, do.not.be.mean}

Okay, okay - here's the "forget password" help thing.  Your secret question is, "Your favorite childhood movie?"

But I don't have a favorite childhood movie.

Mom, this is what the question asks. [shake my head, X out of screen]

Well, I did use [her mother's maiden name] to sign on at Brian's [her brother's] computer in Braintree.

Wait, you had this e-mail set up when you lived in Braintree??

[it should be noted that was over 5 years ago]

No, when I wanted to get on his computer to use it, that's how I signed on.

[I turn around to Mike who has been across the room sitting quietly behind us all this time, and shoot him a look of "%$#&!^".] Mike pipes up with a helpful "Eileen, forget ALLLLLLL about that computer. It has nothing to do with this."

{casually dropping into conversation}

Well, I did tell Matt that my favorite movie was Steel Magnolias.

While you were setting this up today?  Not just in a passing conversation?

Yeah.

Okay, see now that would have been HELPFUL, say, WHEN I WAS TRYING TO UNLOCK YOUR PASSWORD.

[I get back to "forget password" screen, enter "Steel Magnolias". still denied.]

Okay, we got one more shot here. It says you can e-mail a password to your alternate e-mail, which since I'm the only other sign on here, maybe that'll work.

[Use option 2, says password is being e-mailed to my e-mail account]

Okay Mom, the password  should be in my e-mail.

(****line of the night****)

So, it's at your apartment?

[look of "serious, woman?"  and turn to Mike and say, "do you see why I am the way I am?"]

[laughing, in mock serious tone] Um, well, yes it is at my apartment but because I am on the INTERNET HERE, I can get it HERE. So, no, I do not have to make the 45 minute drive to PICK UP YOUR PASSWORD.

Now we're both falling off our chairs laughing.  For whatever reason,  the password never made it to my account, and by this point in the evening, it was just easier to set her up with a new account and password and *write them down* for her then to unlock the mystery that was, is, and forever will be, her password.

Teaching Helen Keller the computer can really work up an appetite, so we headed out for some dinner.  The waitress stopped by our table and asked the obligatory, "can I get you anything to  drink?"  I went first, and empatically requested, "Scotch," and added the qualifier, "after the night I just had??"

My mom helpfully added, "yeah, just leave the bottle."

"I'm teaching her 'the computer'. And I want it neat. I don't want any ice diluting it."

All in all, I suppose it could have been worse. I mean, I have heard of people taking the mouse and repeatedly trying to use it as a remote control to turn on the computer.   I guess if there'e a silver lining to be had here, at least she wasn't "that guy".

*sigh* "So it's at your apartment?" My God.

Comments

[Nancy]

Oh my gosh. How hysterical and frustrating. I have been there with my parents, who live 6 hours away. I will now hand the phone over to my husband (not his parents so he has a modicum more of patience) so he can walk them through something simple, because I just can't take it.

My dad is the worse of the two -- he doesn't know how to enter a URL into a browser. Once he can get to a site (after my mom puts in the URL for him), he can navigate using links, but he doesn't get the scroll feature on the mouse. He'll use the mouse button to click, click, click, click to view EACH LINE OF TEXT as he's reading an article. It drives me nuts and I have to leave the room.

On the bright side, my 3 1/2 year old's all but figured out how to program our computer. :-)

[sarah]

Hilarious-you just had me laughing out loud-have your told your mom about your blog, yet?

[OnceMore]

Sarah, no she's doesn't know about this site and will prob. keep it that way(unless she realizes the power that is google stalking. then I'm screwed).
Nancy, we've had the phone convesation (wherein I gave her a pop quiz) but I have to remind myself that I have to tell her stuff like "use the Left click on the mouse, not the right." Walking thru stuff on the phone is beyond insanse, cuz I'm all "See xyz?" and I know it's there and she'll say "no". "Mom, it's there." "No it isn't". repeat that sound bite about 18 times. GAH.
Yeah, it's scary what the kids are capable of - I'm waiting for the day my 3 yr old niece starts to show me computer tricks. By my watch that should be any moment now.

[Teri]

I don't know if 1) my geek sons are suddenly balancing out my decent traits with my ignorance of all things that come with a plug and have decided to be kind or 2) are emailing you privately with uproariously funny, computer stories at my expense or 3) haven't gotten around to reading this blog entry yet or 4) realize that I still posess humiliating potty training photos of each of them that I now know how to "attach"....whichever works. I'm grateful

[Emily]

I am SURE they have been reading but they have taken the high road and have decided to be good children and not share any stories regarding you and the computer....that and the fear of potty training photos might be stronger than you realize.....But I'm sure it's because they are being good sons....

[Once More]

Ter, I think they're just thrilled you know who the Sox are.
btw, I didn't really drink a scotch (just sounded like the thing to do given my state of mind). I did, however, order a glass of wine, and then another which went untouched. still reeling, felt the need to ask if I could get it "To Go" in a "sippy cup".

[Dorez]

It's been a while since I laughed so long and hard. Thanks to you, I'm suddenly feeling a lot less tense. The ironic thing is that I'm laughing at your experience, but I'm seeing it from your mother's perspective too because my daughter taught me a lot about what I know about computers. So, your story reminded me of some of our early experiences. Ha,ha,ha. Like the time she was trying to explain how to copy & paste. I can't even get into that whole story right now. But, I'm sure you can imagine it after what you've been through with your mom. (smile)
I've come a long way since then, but every now and then my daughter still has to show me how to do something online. And sometimes we're about ready to kill each other when the 'lesson' is over. Ha,ha,ha.

Now, one of these days, I'll have to start blogging about a mother and daughter working together. I can't share any of the stories right now, because my daughter would have a fit. But one day I'll have to write a tell-all book. It'll be hilarious.

Good luck with your mom. And thanks so much for the great laugh you gave me today. I really needed it.
(smile)
- Dorez
Jahqoi.com