Greed is such an ...ugly word. True, but ugly.

I am writing this at two in the morning, as when you go to take "a nap" at 8 o'clock on a Friday night and waken 4 hours later, heh, what do you know?  You're wide awake.  As I am sit here listening to Mike's "gentle snores" from the other room and I think to myself, "I wonder if he'd get pissed if I started vacuuming?"

Anyways.

Like any 2 people in a romantical, co-habbing relationship, for the sake of our respective sanities and by proxy, the relationship itself, Mike and I have had to make certain compromises or allowances with/for each other. From the mundane "were you GOING to replace the toilet paper roll sometime this year or WERE YOU JUST WAITING FOR AN ENGRAVED INVITATION?" to the bigger ticket items like, "We're trying to save money.....right, Jen?" - and I think we navigate through the issues pretty well.

But sometimes, money talks, and "compromise"  looks a little more like "negotiations".

What I should have really called this was, "What a guy will do to watch the games with guaranteed un-interruption."

First, I would like to say Mike loves sports, loves watching them but it's not ESPN 24/7 around here.  Not only would I lose my mind, but I think he would too.  So when he wants to see something, really see something, I guess you could say there's usually some kind of "sports significance".

Over the past few years, I have learned that it is important to him not to "bug him" when he is watching these really big deal events (i.e The Masters, which c'mon, hours and hours of golf? yawn.)  I figured out that he really didn't want someone buggin him when he offered me money to scram.

Money? MONEY, you say?

Yeah, it's all about the Benjamins over here.

"How much is it gonna cost me if you promise to leave me alone so I can watch this in peace and quiet? If I give you twenty bucks, will that work? You can go to Target."

Mind you, for me that wouldn't even make a DENT at Target, but I appreciated the sentiment on this particular rainy Sunday all the same.

So I did what I thought was right. I took the dough.

I mean, "technically" I do have my own money and I "suppose" I could find some other way of amusing myself and furthermore, I could (and do) respect the fact that he's entitled to watch "his shows" just as much as I am.  Sure.  And not to give you the impression that it's one big shakedown over here every time the man wants to watch something I don't. This has happened exactly all of twice since we've been together.  And the last time  I was "paid off", I was given $40 but instructed I had to pick up the Lost in Translation DVD so as I told him, "all I really netted  was twenty."

Thursday night we went out to dinner at our favorite, PF Changs.  Over drinks Mike had asked me if I thought we had anything going on this weekend. I said I didn't think so and he suggested that if that held true, maybe we could do something fun like go to Newburyport (MA) for the day. When you're a pair of "DINKs" (Double Income, No Kids) this is the stuff you do at the drop of a hat.  Anyway, not only was I feeling good about the idea itself, but also was impressed that he had thought to think of something for just the 2 of us to do.  I was, you could say, touched.

However, not a minute later I heard, "oooooooh," with an expression that read, "uh oh, I just fucked up."

Of course, this begged the question, "...What?"

"All the championship (college football) games are on Saturday."

"Uh. Huh."

"Yeah, all day starting at 3:00 til 10:00."

Me, sensing an opportunity, "Well, how much is it worth to ya?"

"Fifty bucks?"

"Fifty? How about seventy-five?"

"How about fifty."

"How about seventy-five?"

"Fifty."

[later, after dinner]

"C'mon, a full day in Newburyport? Dinner? You're getting a discount here."

"Or....fifty."

"Sixty-five plus travel expenses. I think my car is on "E". You're talking prime time here. And  7 hours."

"Or fifty plus what I paid in for dinner and the cab tonight."

"Oh. right....    Uh, sixty?"

"Uh, no."

[the next night]

My voice starting to take on a maddening pitch, "How about a hundred and I can make myself gone for 48 hours? Or, or, one-fifty and you just bought yourself a 3-day weekend!"

Later I sang to him "If I Had a Million Dollars" but using my own lyrics and replacing "million dollars" with "fifty bucks". Wish I could remember all of what I sang - I was on a pretty good tear. Where's a tape recorder when you need one, huh?

Anyway, I'm fifty bucks richer and don't tell Mike... but I would have taken forty.

   

Comments

[Nancy]

Ha ha ha! This is a great strategy. It wouldn't work in our house, unfortunately, because I'd probably have to take the girls with me to give J time alone (which would negate any real opportunity to spend the "bribe money.")

Ooh, the Superbowl's coming up -- that should be worth some serious big bucks. Wanna come down to DC for the weekend then? We could do some serious shopping. :-)

[Rocky]

I want in on that action!

Maybe Mike would up the stakes if you started involving other annoying people in the scheme. "I was inviting (insert obnoxious friend's name) over to scrapbook our Rick Springfield memories today. What's it worth to ya NOW?"

[roo]

That is an excellent strategy. Yes, excellent...

[Chris]

Tim is a sports fanantic as well. I never knew it could be a money making opportunity! This could become a corporate scheme ya know. Like when he's playing games on the computer or just reading a book I'll charge him to left alone. "Pay-offs for peace" we could call it. Whatta think?

[Jen]

Rocky, you need to EMAIL me your briliantly evil ideas as Mike reads these.
Chris, I laughed out loud at your idea - I think I could find a company to make the "pay offs for peace" t-shirts.

[Dawn]

Me likee.

And just wait. You can get more money someday when you offer to disappear AND take the child. Easily worth $150.

[Chris]

Ooohh Dawn! Yes! Double or nothin' pay-offs. This could really be something (as I have one on the way). This could not only be a corporation but a movement of sorts. There could be two levels of pay-offs. "Pay-offs for peace" AND "Pay-offs for total peace". Oh yeah.

Look what you've started Jen!

[Jen]

Is this where I add a "Hey-hey-haaaay!"
This is such girl power I can't even believe it.

[Rocky]

I was beginning to think that this plan had the feel of a brand-spanking-new utopian society, and that there would be documents drafted and ratifications and so on (women in white wigs and wooden teeth and much pomp and circumstance)...and then I realized that this idea was nothing new. It's the same concept as prostitution.

I'm okay with that. But I think Jen should come up with a pay scale - a list of services, if you will - to establish some benchmarks.

What's a good scheme without bureaucracy?

[Jen]

I suppose one *could* see it as a bastardized version of prostitution (instead of "keeping a man company", we agree to leave him solo, heh) OR you could spin this as an equalizer of payscales. That 70 cents on the dollar still gets my knickers in a twist. "Hey, brutha, how 'bout forking some of that over??"

[Tony]

LMAO I am gonna have to try this with my wife.... though I may have to up the ante becouse there are kids involved :P

[Megger]

When you're married this looses some of the effect with the whole "shared bank account thing". However, it's permission to spend money, and I like it. My brain is spinning on the ways I can use this technique to my own benefit.

[Tony]

ehhh, we tried the whole share bank abount thing and fought way to much about money. So we keep out own and share bills and expenses. So this could really work for me. *insert evil laughter*

[Dawn]

We have a shared bank account "The House account", if you will - and then I maintain my very own checking account so I can buy shoes with no superfluous comments that frankly , just bring me down.

So, he could write me a check out of the house account - and I could deposit it into my own account.

And now, I realize how very anal retentive about money I sound, cause I don't like to share - even if you have married me and fathered a child upon me.

PS - I tired to get some payoff this weekend. It was a no-go. I have to rethink my strategy

[Jen]

dawn, you need to find him in a moment of weakness/desperation. It can't be a casual, Oh, I see you are watching/doing XYZ...you have to either see the annoyance/frustration in his eyes with people being around him or be armed in advance that this particular event if REALLY important to him and somehow you're put out.
My free tip: you gotta be out of the regular season for this to work. Playoffs fare much better, particularly if his team is participating.
OR if he wants to blow off something for it, that's also a good time to bring up the "pay offs for peace" methodology. Also, make it look like they're getting a break. "well, a night at the movies, incl gas for the car, popcorn, soda etc. would have cost ya $50. I'm cutting you a deal at $40." see?

Look at me all Tony Robbins here. I should really teach a class or something.

[Halloweenlover]

I am totally being cheated. I am going to tell my husband he has to pay me to watch tv. That's it! You're a genius.

[margalit]

Newburyport is in MA. It's two towns up from being in NH. It's actually the smallest city in MA, and they're very proud of that distinction. I lived there for 9 years. It's a great city!

[Jen]

yeah I was 100% sure and took a shot (and guessed wrong). Thanks for straightening me out. And yeah, it is a cool town (why do you think I got 50 bucks out of the deal?? heh)