As you may or may not know, I live in South Boston and this Sunday is the 106th St. Patrick's Day Parade which is rumored to be the 2nd largest St. Pat's parade in the country (don't quote me, like I said, "rumored to be"). As my house is on the parade route, I am hosting a party. To the shock of everyone, beer and the like will be provided (!).
Which is why I found this propaganda stuffed into my mailbox equal parts amusing and disconcerting:
Now, I understand this grassroots organization's point, to a point. Yeah, children will be watching the parade and yeah, it would be nice if your child wouldn't have to be subjected to some drunken asshole. I think we can all agree on that. So don't comment, "well, you know it's about the children...they are, after all, the future." Yeah, no shit.
But let's break this down in all its absurdity.
DO:
"Celebrate with pride." Um, hello... this is the St. Patrick's Day parade...in South Boston. It's kind of the like stating The Reflexive Property of Equals (i.e a=a). That is to say, Beer is supposed to be involved if our Irish Pride in on the line. I mean, this is a culture that invented such words as "shenanigans" and "Guinness" and "Whiskey" for godsake.
Speaking of culture...
"Use this opportunity to celebrate our culture and community norms." To that I say, "ibid".
"Extend a Family Friendly Parade Zone along the entire parade route." Is there no zone for us non-family friendly folks? A place to let us let our hair down and unwind? Why should families get the entire parade route? If I promise not to dump my stale beer on little Timmy's foot, can we call it even?
"Support the Boston Police Dept.'s vigorous enforcement of laws that strictly forbid illegal activity." I find this one just a touch hypocritical because guess which marchers are most likely accepting the free beer and belts of whiskey? This is why they march in the parade: the free booze. You take that away, they stay home. That's how they roll. Also, it's usually freezing out on this day(as is forecast for Sunday), this is how they stay warm and cheery. You want cold and ornery? Yeah, I didn't think so.
DO NOT:
"Drink alcohol publicly along the parade route." Oh Dear Lord, you are kidding me, right SBA of NP? If this one was actually adhered to, there would be about an 85% reduction in spectators. This is the one day of the year the police turn a blind eye on drinking in public. Essentially, throw the beer in a Solo cup, not act like a dickhead and you're fine. Also, exactly what are we trying to say to the kids? Drinking while watching a (pretty lame) parade in almost freezing weather is a bad idea? How else are they expecting us to view this thing? Or how does going back to the house to get a bev help matters? What are we trying to hide? Kids already know that Mommy and Daddy drink because they cry.
"Provide alcohol to parade marchers." I've addressed this in the Dos, but again, you do away with that and you''ll undoubtedly shorten the parade substantially. Then what would we have to do the Sunday after St. Patrick's Day? Do you really think NY firefighters are gonna come all this way if it's a dry parade for them?
"Host and provide alcohol to parade marchers during the parade." Exactly why is it the parade spectators responsibility to take ownership of the marchers actions that The City of Boston has solicited? Shouldn't it be the other way around? And again, it's usually the local politicians and various arms of law enforcement that are the biggest "offenders" here. You do the math. Tell me, are you really just trying to mitigate their number of pee breaks? That I could respect.
I love the last bit:
"Public drinking along the parade route and most recently by parade marchers is an insult to community efforts to educate our youth and support parents' efforts to raise their children well."
I understand the original intent all this--there's always gonna be a few assholes who get ridiculous and sure, you don't want to subject kids who are there to see a parade to that crap. But for me, your average spectator, drinking a beer in a plastic cup outside to be labeled as an "INSULT" to people with kids and the community? Heh? I'm thinking if I keep it to a dull roar (I won't moon anyone, for example), the kids are gonna be just fine.
LOL - A dry St. Patrick's Day parade? In Southie? That has to be the ultimate in oxymorons.
Discretion and courtesy for those families along the parade route is a fantastic idea, but I agree with you that a dry parade would result in very few spectators - and significantly less participants.
And, really, from what I've heard, it'd be kind of hard to suffer through that without a little pick me up here and there.
Posted by: NTE | March 17, 2006 at 02:00 AM
Oh. lord.
Why must everything be family fucking friendly! I like families, I do. But to quote GOB Bluth: C"MON!
Posted by: Jess | March 17, 2006 at 08:37 AM
That's just silly.
Posted by: Nancy | March 17, 2006 at 09:32 AM
I think old St. Patrick himself would be insulted if there was no (responsible) drinking being done at the parade. Its Southie, for chrissake. In March. Let the people have their fun. Enjoy yourself, wish I didn't live so far into metrowest so that I could easily hop over to Bahston to enjoy the festivities.
BTW, like your blog.
Posted by: Mrs. Chicky | March 17, 2006 at 10:00 AM
The whole notion of a dry parade is HIGH-LARIOUS. Mucho laughing going on over here.
Maybe the author of the pamphlet is just upset because no one ever gives THEM free beer. No one ever comes to THEIR parties. Not everyone can be as cool as Jen.
Posted by: halloweenlover | March 17, 2006 at 10:34 AM
It wouldn't be the Southie Parade if Jen didn't pour beer on my foot.
Posted by: Tim | March 17, 2006 at 10:38 AM
"Not everyone can be as cool as Jen"--HL. So true.
"It wouldn't be a Southie parade if Jen didn't pour beer on my foot."-Tim. Sadly, truer.
Posted by: Jen | March 17, 2006 at 11:19 AM
oh wow.
had to have been a republican.
i would have a hay day with something like that showing up in my mailbox.
you should have some strippers at your st. pattys day party. on the patio. for all the neighbors to see.
haaaaaaaa.
Posted by: stella | March 17, 2006 at 12:45 PM
my brother lives in Southie and he has been having a party for 8 years or so (he now owns a house in Southie so he does not live on the parade route, but the party continues)and we have been going to the parade since I was a kid. My mother actually provides irish coffee's to many along the parade route - even people she dosen't know!! Whenever we can we come up from Atlanta to the parade (we are stuck in ATL this year) and my kids love it - drunk people and all!! That is part of the GREAT thing about Southie! We'll be in Southie in 2 weeks - Shenanigans here we come!! If you see a 50ish looking woman passing out irish Coffees parade route - ask if her name is Mary Ellen :)
Posted by: Kathy | March 17, 2006 at 12:52 PM
When I read the flyer, my first thought was..."but it's St. Patricks Day. There must be BEER!".
How silly.
I hope you can still have fun. Despite all the "fun haters" out there.
Posted by: Isabel | March 17, 2006 at 02:48 PM
You could always pass out crack pipes as a way to do your part for the community. There's no alcohol in crack!
Posted by: Contrary | March 17, 2006 at 06:01 PM
No public drunkeness on St. Patricks Day?
What is this world coming to, people??!!
Posted by: sweatpantsmom | March 17, 2006 at 07:17 PM
sadly, they're promoting this propaganda onto the airwaves. Zero tolerance, blahblah. I'm sure I'll be reporting on Monday how it all goes down.
Posted by: Jen | March 17, 2006 at 08:41 PM
Hey, I'm a Republican - and I would NEVER try to tell you what to do for your celebration! Sounds like some tree huggers to me! Why can't we all just get along???? Anyway, it's not like you make the marchers show you their boobs for drinks - or DO you, Jen???? LOL
Posted by: Kate | March 17, 2006 at 08:45 PM
Kate, no..I am not down with making a guy show his boobs (tho in 30-something degree weather that could be interesting). In fact, I'd give him the beer to keep his clothes on.
btw, I went to RHS/from vernon.
Posted by: Jen | March 17, 2006 at 08:56 PM
Yes, my nephew J Palmer went to Rockville, around when you did. I sent him a link of your blog because it is so great. Hope you don't mind a "stranger" making comments?
Posted by: Kate | March 17, 2006 at 09:22 PM
Um, I believe I GRADUATED with your newphew. 1991. I am the hot, shy one. except not hot.
Posted by: Jen | March 17, 2006 at 09:24 PM
WELL, I actually found your blog when I Googled "Rockville High Vo Ag" looking for future info for my offspring. I started reading and couldn't turn it off. J lives in FL now. He also recently heard from Matt Manuel (do you remember him?) he's going to Africa as a missionary. Kid you not.
Posted by: Kate | March 17, 2006 at 09:28 PM
WHAT? Manuel? a Missionary? Yeah, that blows my mind (think it's awesome but blows my mind)
Posted by: Jen | March 17, 2006 at 09:30 PM
Yup, all those guys "got religion". Must have been the hockey. Hey, UConn won! Time to celebrate! G'night!
Posted by: Kate | March 17, 2006 at 09:34 PM
That's like askin the San Francisco Gay Pride parade to be completely Glitter free.
And I too would like to see less family friendly events. Show your ta-tas Jenn. Disney already has my pound of flesh, they don't need yours yet too.
Posted by: Dawn | March 17, 2006 at 10:43 PM
Funny. I stumbled on this post and also find it interesting to see Matt Manuel on a Missionary tour... He tourmented me in High School. I got to the point I didn't want to see him or his friends in the halls or in any of my classes.
Luckily we all get past the ackwardness of High School and get beyond it. RHS from 87-91 was a learning experience. I wish him luck.
Mateo :)
Posted by: Matt Parsons | March 17, 2008 at 12:02 AM