Once More with Feeling.

Dinner of champions

It is without a doubt, the strangest idea that  people allow me to care for their children-- their children's lives, including what they eat, when sometime last week, Mike walked in and saw this, my dinner, on the coffee table:

I believe his exact words were, "nice dinner, Pele." This was exactly how it was found...not a photo set up. The lengths I will go to not to cook. Geez.

More to follow on this weekend's kid adventure. You'll find it under "Don't tell mom, the babysitter's taking a nap."

p.s. I did not cry during this week's ep of Grey's Anatomy! Figures, the one Sunday night between 10-11 that I don't wear a skincare mask.

it's 12:47 a.m., do you know where your screaming baby is?

typing w/ 1 hand, b/c i can answer this one.

mothers and people w/ tricks in this arena...

ruling on how long i let him cry it out?

"emergency bottle": tapped.

diaper: changed.

fever: none.

I woke up to him crying around 11:30 p.m. did what i was supposed to do. kid won't go to bed like kate's papers say he will.

it's all clear to me now: kate LIES.

i let him cry it out this last go around (12:30)...and in 2 mins. it was sweet, sweet silence (a first). I thought my bargaining with God had worked.

and that was a whole 7 mins. of heaven.

he likes sleeping ON me in the rocking chair, which, as cute as that sounds, isn't gonna work for me.

and now a few words from owen on the subject...

vv  g      bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

you see what I mean? all those b's and v's? the kid is being impossible.

ideas? because tomorrow he's gonna have to go to bed again (also on the papers).

updated:

1:06 a.m.   just put him down a few minutes ago. I hear...strangely  nothing. I hope in writing this that this isn't another 7 minute fake out.

1:10 crying again. the fuck?

1:11 quiet. Oh PLease, O, help a sister out.

1:12: nope. he hates me. definitely got that screeching thing down.

1:13 quiet again. tell me this is "lucky 1:13"

1:14 still quiet....we're on a roll. a full 60 seconds!

1:20: I will tempt fate and try to head back to bed. if he cries, that is IT, I am not buying him a pony when he gets big.

Who says smoking doesn't look cool?

This weekend will all be about the babysitting my niece and nephew, ages 3 and almost 1 respectively, all. weekend. long.  Did I mention the nephew just learned to crawl Wednesday? Great, now I gotta watch the kid.

It should be quite the adventure. I know Sarah can barely contain her excitement (and yeah, I am boasting. let me have this.) as I am in the know of the following:

1. First question out of Sarah's mouth Tuesday and Wednesday, "Is it Friday Yet? Jennie come over?"

2. Kate has explained to her that she will be gone for 2 days and Sarah's response, "Two days? You can go for 10 days if you want."

3. Kate asked her Thursday if she knew what tomorrow was, when she took a blank on that, Kate reminded her "Friday" to which Sarah responded with  Elvis-like hip movements and pointing the the sky, "JEN-NAAAAY COME OVER!" and proceeded to "whoop-whoop". 

This last part scared Kate a little bit. Not that she is jealous of mine and Sar's bond, but wondering what it is exactly she thinks she's gonna be able to get away with on my watch.   Donuts and soda for dinner? Midnight bedtime? Kiddie porn (I mean, "Dora the Explorah")?  Finger painting the walls?  I do not know.

Anyway, it should be interesting-- especially as I know Owen can't go 2 days without a "Code Brown" and I can't hand him off to a parent at the first smell of trouble.  Which means ...I'm gonna have to ...good God, I'll think about that later.

Anyway, here's is what Miss Responsible-and-in-charge-of-2-of-America's-future looks like (taken 1/28/06). 

Believe it or not, despite the following conditions:

a. I had just quit my job the prior day and was beginning a 2 week stint of no work for the first time since I was in high school.

b. The fact we were out celebrating my birthday which would arrive a few days later and

c. the trough of alcohol in front of us...

I was here, and would continue to be, the only remarkably sober person of the night.

Yeah, I can barely believe it either. But it's true.

What, you were waiting for me to say something?

So, we all know that Brit-Brit is knocked up again, right?   Yes, US Weekly is going to report this story and the rag is not known for having to print retractions. 

Now, it had been "reported" that K-Fed wasn't happy when she was pregs the FIRST time, as his kiddo #2 from former girlfriend, Shar, had just been delivered 7 seconds prior. I think he was looking forward to just maxin' and relaxin' and pmipin' and being a "rapper".

Then, there were the "reported" marital problems after the baby was born and to the "shock and dismay" of everyone, he isn't going to be getting any votes for Daddy of the Year. He's a skeev, but Brit's all, "but-I-love-him."

In this case, love is not only blind but stupid too, I guess. Whatever.

Now, the rumors of her being pregnant again have been around for about 2 months. And the rumors were she told him and he again was not happy.  And she's planning a comeback album. Good planning.  And she's a dancer, right?  I mean, that's kinda of her bread and butter, right?  The singing and dancing bit?  She planning on bumping and grinding her belly on stage?

The whole situation reminds me of a scene from the movie Parenthood. Keanu Reeves' character is all, "ya know Mr. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father." 

This is how I feel about the skeevey Mr. 4 kids in 4 years.

Anyway, my point, Mr. and Mrs. Spermerline....it's called A CONDOM.  And even if this proves untrue, which I doubt, please for the Love of God, start using one.

And besides, am I the only one what was thinking there was still a glimmer of hope she'd get back together with JT? No? Just me then?

Spanish Fly Girls

While the rest of you did what ever it is you do on Wednesdays, Stella and I had ourselves a little "Oh, You Just Got SERVED, BITCH" Spanish-style.

After reading my 6 Weird Things About Me Meme that I was a Spanish addict of the worst kind: one with a limited vocabulary, Stella saw the opportunity for a little War of Words, Gringa style.

Both with only 2 years of high school Spanish, we were more or less even experience-wise(though I would remember halfway into this that she has just returned from a week-long trip to Mexico where I AM SURE THAT IS WHERE SHE CLIPPED SOME OF HER MORE ADVANCED VOCABULARY. But hey, at LEAST I KNOW HOW TO CONJUGATE. Well, for the most part.

It was touched off with an offhand comment in the Meme, "Pienso tu madre es muy mucho el guapo", I think your mother is very much the ladies man.

Stella responded:

yo pienso tu spanglish es muy bueno. y mi madre es no guapo. ella tiene mucho bonita estupida. tu padre es un nino de los fuerte pollos. como te gusta me ahora, beyotch!

I get all of this. "I think your Spanish is very good. And my mother is not the ladies man. She is very pretty stupid [note to Stella: see, this is why commas are a beautiful thing. Heh.] "Your father is the boy of strong chickens. How do you like me now, beyotch!"

I respond part English/Part Spanish:

My father may be the son of strong chickens, but I don't care how pretty she is, at least my mother is not very much the ladies man...like yours is.  o tan leí en las paredes del bano.

"Or so I read on the walls of the bathroom."

Stella suggests we have a "Gringa-Off".

I advise her that I'm not exactly shaking in my boots, so sure. I make a reference to a movie quote to no one in particular. "Vaya con huevos" ("Go with eggs"), a line from Nobody's Fool.

Stella writes:

cuando tengo mi huevos...tu (will) neccescitas ayuda....yo (will) patear* tu extremo*.  traiga es. hermana!

I read this as, "when I have my eggs, you will need help...I will to kick (too lazy to conjagate, S?) you extremely. Bring it, sister!

Apparently "extremo" is "butt".  We both cop to looking up "to kick" and she "butt".

I respond:

No estoy diciendo eso usted "wannabe gangta-fab", pero estoy diciendo que es eso veo eso sus dientes are capped con Legos amarillo.

I am not saying that you are "wannabe gangsta-fab", but what I am saying is that I see that your teeth are capped with yellow Legos.  By your own hands.

(basically calling her a wannabe rapper but too poor for real bling. Win-win)

Stella responds:

yo no quiero tu leggos amarillos. mi dientes son muy blanco, gracias.

necessita un nuevo zapatos. por que tu pies eres muy feo, y tu madre chupa tetas. tetas mas grande. yo no say. pero no llores, por que ella te gusta tetas y ella quieres bailamos con abuelitas gordas. que pasa?

Okay, this is where the wheels  start to fall off: part in vocab comprehension (me), part busted verbage (her).

I get that she says, "I do not want your yellow Legos. My teeth are very white, thanks. You need a (sic) new shoes. for you feet are very ugly."

but then..." and your mom [something] boobs. very big boobs. yo no say (still no idea? think she means "yo no se") but do not cry*  for she like boobs and she we danced with fat* grandmas*. what's up?"

I know my mom and "fat grandmothers" are being insulted. Later I'd learn what she is saying is that my mom likes to "suck boobs"  but "I don't know. but don't cry  because she likes boobs and to dance with fat grandmas."

Charming.

I respond:

no requiero nuevo zapatos por no tengo pies. usted habla acerca de mi madre's "tatas" y mi grande bailamos abuelitas, pero haga halbamos su padre's pezón* numero tres?

tambien, su pelo es muy bonita, pero digame esto, pueda ese color encontrado en la nature?

"I do not need new shoes for I have no feet. You talk about my mother's boobs and my dancing, fat grandmothers, but do we speak about your father's nipple #3?

Also, your hair is very pretty, but tell me this, can that color be found in nature?"

Stella responds:

(pee-ez) no 'pies' tonta. tu sabes? tu tienes diez pies. que pasa mi padres pezons? no tres. dos solamente. mi pello es mnaturel moreno. shhh no afectar*

jen. decirme. que estas hacer con todo ellos tetas. todo ellos tetas en la camisa?

Stella now thinks I am confused, because she thinks I'm thinking "pies" as in "baked good" and not "feet".

Her "translation":

Not 'pies' stupid (actually "tonta" is ""silly" but I'm not gonna split hairs here). You know? You have 10 of them... What is this about my father's nipples? He doesn't have 3. He has 2 only.

My hair is naturally dark, but don't tell anyone.

Jen. Tell me. What ya gonna do with all them breasts, all them breasts inside that shirt?"

I had no idea what "moreno" meant, so I looked it up and the dictionary said "colored person". Um, yeah it did. So, of course I did't think she is trying to tell me she is black or has "colored person's hair", but maybe was trying to say "person who colors [her hair]" and not "person of color". I also have no idea she is giving me the lyrics to The Black Eyed Peas song, "My Humps", so now I am wondering what is with all the boobie talk? Mine, my mom's? Huh? And no idea what "affectar" means... Not to alter/change?

I respond:

pardoneme S, pero tengo dies *dedos*, dos pies, ...DIEZ PIES?! AY CARUMBA, chiquita. Pero es verdad; tengo mis dos pies y tambien mucho bonita zapatos para mi bontito pies/dedos, differente de usted.

una pregunta para tu: que es su obsesion con de mi madre's "tetas"? mi madre's tetas este siempre debajo ella camisa. porque, es su mama's no? interestante, muy, muy interestante. explica mucho.

Excuse me, S, but I have ten TOES, two feet, ...TEN FEET?? Holy Moly, chick. But it is true, I have my two feet and also many pretty shoes for my pretty feet/toes, different from you.

A question for you: what is your obsession with my mother's "tatas". My mother's boobs are always under her shirt (you started asking "todo ellos tetas en la camisa? which in  my mind, "all her boobs in her shirt?") Why, your mother's aren't? (basically insinuating her mom flashes) Interesting.  Very, very interesting.  Explains a lot.

Stella responds:

hablando a tu tetas. no tu madres tetas. otravez. 'que esTAS hacer con..' TU!!! TU TETAS! sabes el cancion de Black Eyed Frijoles? Moniculos*?

soy una estupida gringa...me dios! DEDOS!! AHHH SI!! Muchas gracias.

Her translation:

"I was talking about your boobies. Not your mother's boobies. Again. YOU! YOUR BOOBIES! Do you know the song by Black Eyed Peas? Humps?

I am a stupid gringa. Oh my goodness. Toes IS DEDOS. Ah yes. Thank you very much."

Now this comes together a little.  I not a big BEP fan, so I'm glad she mentions this as I was beginning to think, "wow, she really likes to talk boob."

I respond:

que es "y tu madre chupa tetas" entonces? que de mis tetas? te gusta? gracias! (ha)

ah, el B.E.Ps ...si, ellos conozco pero no receurdo sus lyricas(?)de le topa (?) de mi cabeza! AHORA comprendo...

pienso tan pardoneme por mis palabras de su padre y ello pezon numero tres!

does horas hasta fin del dia. p.s. "monicculos"? "humps"?

then what is "and your mothers sucks tits?" (you were saying you were asking about me) What of my tits? You like? thanks!   ah, the BEPs. yes, I know them but do not remember their lyics off the top of my head. NOW I understand. I think.

So excuse me for my words about your father and his third nipple.

Two hours until the end of the day.  My Humps?

Stella writes:

si si senorita. "humps". ok, pero quien tiene un pezon numero tres? quiens padre?mi padre? or tu padre? tu padre es el nino de los pollos fuertes y ello tiene un tres pezon? tu padre es ell nino de los pollos fuertes y ellos tiene un tres pezon?

the words of the third nipple??? yo quiero 'topa' haha....fantastico! y 'tu madre chupa tetas'. chupa....suck. pienso. teehee. explaino luego. uno hora y quince minutos que ir!

Yes, yes woman. 'Humps'. Ok. But, who has the third nipple? Who's daddy?

My daddy or your daddy? Your daddy is the son of the strong chickens AND he has a 3rd nipple? I love your 'topa' [my word for "top"] haha....fantastic! And (I quote to explain that) chupa means suck. I think. Giggles. I'll explain later. One hour and 15 minutes to go!

She has missed the point 8 years ago my dig about her father having a third nipple (or "nipple #3") was in response to her digging on my mom. Eventually I translate the original line in an attempt to clear this up, because this to her was what the BEP's quote was to me. A big fat "wuh?"

I write:

Yo compredo ahora re: "chupa tetas", qual no original conozco era un lyrica.

"topa", [my word for "top"] eh, "closa enougha". heh. usted aprende neuvo vocabulario en su trip a Mexico con Vern y Finance?

I undersand now re: "suck tatas", which I  originally did not know was a lyric. [actually, it's not, but whatever]  Did you learn new vocab on your trip to Mexico with Vern & finance?

un mas cosa*, te gusta Christina Aguiliera's "Ven Conmigo"? Hago, muy mucho. Canto "Es-CU-CHA-MAAAAAAY!" enalta voz* en my coche quando no persona es alli. yo soy brilliante.

One more thing, do you like Christina Aguiliera's "Come on Over"? I do, very much. I sing "LISTEN TO MEEEEEE" in a very loud voice in my car when no one is there. I am brilliant

Stella asks if I will send a video clip of that, "please". At this point, we're running out of gas, or rather, I have Stella on the ropes, begging for mercy.

Stella:

and si to vacabulario en Mexico. soy un marcosa. y tengo boca suave.

are we done?  es final?  im exhausted. haaaaaaaa.

I agree, because I can't think of a way to drop "hamburgesa" or "aeropuerto" into this conversation and I am pretty sure my brain is *this close* to exploding salsa.

AY!

So, in the spirit of Whose Line is it Anyway, feel free to award meaningless points for who won this.

Or not. Because I know I won. Totally.

Duh.

It's the afternoon. You're thristy. You head to the vending machine for a soda.  You put your dollar in. You stand there, waiting for it to drop.  And stand there a few moments more.  You start to become concerned they are out.

You then have the realization that the machine is not a mind reader and it might be helpful if you'd press a button and make a selection first.

Irony, sweet irony.

Today TomKat had "their" "baby girl", Suri Holmes-Cruise, the same day as Tom's  War of Words adversary, Brooke Shields. Congrats, Brooke, on your REAL baby girl, Grier Hammond.

Folks, I'm still not buying it - did I mention that? Who buys shoes 8 seconds right before they're allegedly about to pop when THEIR FEET ARE SWOLLEN??  And so lucky for Tom the kid came 2 weeks before his movie is released. Such timing, that guy.

I'm calling this event, "the adoption went through on cue".

Updated to add: Props to my sister Em who just called to talk about her real baby and I was all, "Em, I can't talk right now, I'm still reeling over the whole TomKat/kitten thing,"  to which she replied, "what's her name? Suri? Suri with a fringe on top?"

Based on my recent Oklahoma! admission, I'd say that TomKat totally reads my blog and that's where they got the name. Awesome.

"Suri with a fringe on top" - that is this kid's new name.

Yo Soy Muy Loco

I was tagged by the Sweat(y)'Mom (she sweaty cuz works out now) to do the "Hey, Look! I'm a Weirdo! Let Me Tell You How!" meme.

Shooting from the hip, here it is, in 6 parts (and on no sleep, so if this sucks, that is why)...

1. I cannot not pick at a cut or pimple if I know it is there. I will weirdly contort my body to get at it if need be. This maybe more "bad habit/OCD" than weird. Having said that, might I interest you in checking out my chicken pox scars from 1983?

2. I am obsessed with the Spanish language. I think it rules and am constantly speaking my own bastardized form of "Spanglish" (going in and out of English and Spanish, or translating English to Spanish as best I can, literally word for word which is not the way to do it). It's my intent to pick up where my high school studies left off to become fluent and one day impress the hell out of Antonio Banderas. And really, how fun is THAT name to say? "Hola, Senor Antonio Banderas. Interés de la fuerza I usted en ser mi amante esta noche?"*

However, I should caution you about speaking  of The Spanglish in Spanish speaking countries, like Mexico, for example. I once, after finishing my breakfast in Cozumel, told the waiter as he was clearing away my plate that, "I had enjoyed the food so much I cleaned my plate."  He walked away kind of looking irked with me, the "estupida gringa", which leads me to believe I told him something along the lines of "it was good go clean my plate."  Yes, making friends and building bridges, this is what I do.

By the way, "pienso tu madre es muy mucho el guapo."

3.  I have had to take a LOT of shit for the following: I live in Boston and I hate ALL seafood. Yes, ALL OF IT. And YES, dear judgmental person, this mean THA CHOWDAH.

4. I cannot really remember beyond 2 verses of any song (with exception to the score from Annie, it would seem). However, I quote movies and TV all the damn time--obscure, mainstream - it doesn't matter. If it made me laugh, chances are it's stuck in my craw somewhere.

"You know what they say, wood don't grow on trees." Buckwheat, The  Little Rascals (1994)

5. I can hand out nicknames and make them stick. For example, there wa a co-worker who looked a lot like my brother, so I would intentionally call  him Brian. For the first month of his employment, people thought this was his actual name.  The other kid got the nickname "Newbie" which also stuck (and actually helped, because both guys are named Dan).

6. I know more celebrity gossip than anyone you know. You find me a person who had a subscription to both In Touch and US Weekly in 2005. I didn't renew one of them when I realized I started getting stupider. You want dating history? Ask me. Need a "that person looks familiar" from one of their first acting gigs? Ask me. Also, it seems that this obsession with celebrities is a (depending on your point of view) genetic defect/enhancement passed down from my dad. We have discussed, at some length, the ups and downs of Christina Aguilera's weight.  At any given point  he can answer who is the "When Bad Clothes Happen to Good People" or "Look of the Week" celebrity is, both an US Weekly regular feature. When I go to visit him, we trade "papers".

*translated that should in theory read: Hello, Mr Antonio Banderas. Might I interest you in being my lover tonight?"

Party-specific Tax Forms.

In honor of the season, thought you guys would dig these party-line specific forms.

(As you put the cursor over the form, there are pop-ups.)

Marketing Brain Trust Found by Local Resident

The connah store where I get my coffee every morning has this sign by the register:

"Try our new

SICK

potato skins appetizer

WOW

bacon cheddar"

I think the fried mozz sticks get the "wicked sick" props.