The Office

For those of you who do not know what I do (which including my friends, would mean just about everybody), I can tell you that I am not management.  After reading the following excerpts of actual conversations with my manager, I think it's safe to say that that's probably gonna remain the case.

[manager in his office and has door closed. I open it and stand in the doorway to give him a quick update on an account]

Me: So, I called Peter and he has the policy now and he's all.....[smells something rather pungent in the air]...um, sorry,... but did you just fart?

Manager: [shocked but laughing] No, I did not fart.

Me: Sorry, it's just that I smell something really bad over here and it's...[steps into office]...nope, not coming in from here...[steps outside of office] woah, yeah someone out there did something awful. don't want you to think that was me.

Manager: [sniffs] Great - now you're bringing it in here!

Me: [closes door] Sorry. Ya know, I have never, ever asked a boss that before in my entire life.

Manager: And I have never been that asked before.

As if that weren't enough, this exchanged occurred.  The deal here was the office has separate wiring instructions depending on whether the account is located domestically or internationally.  Pardon my ignorance, but one account was wiring their money from Puerto Rico and this caused me some confusion and this particular account  left me zero margin of error, so I had to be 110% I was having the money wired correctly.

Me: So, is Puerto Rico considered domestic or international?

Manager: [quick pause] Domestic.

[more talk on account stuff]

3 minutes later...

Me: So is Puerto Rico considered domestic of international?

Manager: You JUST asked me that 3 minutes ago! It's still domestic. Did you think it changed in those 3 minutes?   

To be fair, I'm not that level of dumb. I was trying to trick him into giving a different answer because I didn't think he was completely sure on this either and I HAD TO BE SURE. Screwing up on this account was not an option.  In the end, all I did was end up looking like an simpleton employee with no memory recall.

So, dumb things you've said to your boss? Said by your boss?

Comments

[Nancy]

Oh, I am sure I have a boatload of dumb things that I've said. And probably several things said to me, too, but I shall have to ruminate on this (been moving stuff out of the dining room all day in preparation for Operation Out Damn Stripe and my brain is dead...)

Also, I owe you an e-mail. I'll try to get you tomorrow. :-)

[Teri]

When I was in my twenties and had one or two babies, I had advertised at my condominium complex to provide daycare, in my home. A father called and we made an appointment to meet later that week. When he arrived at my home, I was surprised to discover he was the incredibly handsome Jamaican man, I couldn't take my eyes off, at the pool, all summer. I was really cool, until he mentioned that he worked the late shift, at the hospital and wouldn't be able to pick up his child till midnight, most nights. I replied "Oh, that won't be a problem. I'll be ready to jump in bed as soon as you get here....um, um, um, after you leave!

[Rocky]

This isn't really a dumb thing, but it's youth at its best. I worked for a Director who was hard of hearing. He'd always be fiddling with his hearing aid. One day he came out to ask me about some reports I was putting together. I MOUTHED back to him (without actually voicing the words) "I put them in your in basket yesterday." He fiddled and fiddled with his hearing aid, I mouthed the same thing again. Then he REALIZED what I was doing because he could hear other people. Then he said "You little shit." lol. I CRINGE to think of the things I did in my youth.

[Contrary]

I got one for ya. About a month ago, my boss was fired. There one day, gone the next. The guy who was coming in to 'help out' for awhile cornered me on his first day and said, 'I notice when I walk around and talk to people that everybody is kind of tense. I don't know why they'd be so tense, do you?".

Well, gee, I don't know. Maybe because since yesterday their boss disappeared and now you're here?? Dumbass.

He hasn't got any smarter since he's been here.

[Idiot Savant]

My first "real" job and the manager calls me into his office:
"Hey, have a seat, I'll be right with you." [he waves me in while talking on the phone, a classic power move, after a few minutes of talking to his wife he gives me his full attention...]
"So, how are you doing?"
"I'm okay." [I want to know what he wants]
"You know we begin work at 8:00, 8:00 AM right?"
[I nod my answer (up and down for yes)]
"You are consistently arriving at 8:30 or later."
"But, I work late almost every night."
"And, we appreciate it, but I really need you to be here at 8:00, starting tomorrow."
"Okay"
Small talk follows and I leave. The next day I show up at 8:45. Needless to say, my employment at the company didn't last much longer (for the record, I quit!). I've had many jobs, but never management - go figure.

[Lena]

Since I'm my own boss I think it would be the time I asked myself "Can you spend the check you haven't gotten yet from your client?".

And I answered "Yes!" and went to the mall.

And then the client cancelled the order.

I totally fired me.

[TB]

Oh my god. I have never had that kind of relationship with a boss. Things have always been very corporate and proper and boring. Now I'm my own boss so sometimes I grab my own boobs and then I consider turning myself in to HR.

[HollowSquirrel]

My first "real" job after college, I worked for a ginormous ass clown. I noticed we needed some tape for his beloved labelmaker, so I asked him if he was heading to Office Depot after work.

AssClown: "No. You're going to Office Depot after work."
Me: "Nooo...." (as in, I'm going HOME after work because I'm not the AssClown Owner and my day ends at 5:00!!)
AssClown: "What?"
Me: "What part of 'no' don't you understand? The "n" or the "o?"

I realize we've all heard this smart ass remark, but seriously, I said it without thinking. Thankfully, his wife/co-owner was standing next to us, and she started laughing which eased the tension.

I found out a few years ago he left his wife (who is awesome) for a woman he met on the internet. Total AssClown.

[Elizabeth]

Hey Jen, Happy Birthday tomorrow!!

[marnie]

I told a boss to shove his cell phone up his ass.

Don't worry, I'd quit about 3 seconds before that.. so I wasn't fired :-)

[Andrea]

Happy Birthday Jen! I guess takes you getting old to get me to comment :) Hope its a great one!