Threat Level: Midnight (PartY'Oooow Kelly Clarkson!)

Forewarning for the mens:  This is a somewhat detailed account of my waxing "down there". Not explicit, but enough where you might just want to skip over this. If you're curious as to the goings ons, might I request you cram your no doubt quality remarks* about my lady bidness, particularly if I have to look you in the eye sometime in the future. Thanks a bunch.

(*unless you intend to pay me a compliment for bravery, then yeah - by all means, comment away.)

As I mentioned yesterday, I was off to get my first ever bikini wax. Being somewhat of a drama jerk, I may have gone on a bit about my nervousness.  Though c'mon, let's consider the key players here:

A stranger.

Hot wax.

Your private haired bits.

Hot wax being ripped off your private haired bits.

Oh, and you're paying for this.

I ask you - whose brilliant plan was this?

Anyway, as you can see, I have I made it out alive.  As I told my friend Suz, quoting the formidable Destiny's Child, "I'm a sur-VI-vah." Not only did I survive and make this, but you can barely tell that I'm walking funny (or to rip from Cheers, "or should I say, 'funnier'?"-Diane)

To start with, I guess I should mention that barring formal medical training (complete with degree(s)), I am not really comfortable with those persons sans medical training seeing my naked anatomy South of the Equator. That said, you can imagine how thrilled I was when I heard the words every uptight girl wants to hear, "And you can keep your underwear on." 

Oh bless your heart, miss.

Since I was a first timer, and I really didn't know what to expect as far as pain, so I popped a few Advil beforehand, luckily was wearing a very comfy pair of cotton underwear and constructed an approach as respects to the... the, ... uuh... "design" to be as pragmatic and "least invasive" in tone.  Or what I affectionately refer to as, "The Chicken Shit Special." (TM).

The C.S.S. (as I call it) simply put is this: Put on a bikini bottom, any hair outside of the bikini bottom gets their walking papers, everything else inside the bikini bottom gets to live to see another day.  Like God intended.

So there I was, my bottom half wrapped in a towel, and in my underwear. The girl who had the distinct honor of being "my first time" asked me to yank my underwear upwards to the sides as to where I thought would be reasonable for what I was looking to achieve.  And then she offered, "Yeah, you might want to go higher than that."

It's not called the Chicken Shit Special for nothing.

First, they waxed along the sides of my underwear. No big whoop. Next, the ripping of the wax off the side.  And truly, this? Also no big whoop. I honestly thought to myself, "Really, that's it? That's all ya got?"  Don't get me wrong, it's nothing to be looking forward to or anything, but it didn't hurt.   More of a mild annoyance. But when she said, "okay, there's a little bleeding but that's normal" my eyes did bug some.  I didn't look right away, but when I finally did, damn if I could find any blood.

Of course, there's the hair that is outside the bikini bottom line that is in closer proximity to the, uh, you know, "Promised Land".  She was going to just leave it with just the sides being done until I meekly mentioned about that other part of the bikini body. "Um, sooooo....can you do...I mean, I guess I can pass being shy about this and ask you, I mean, seeing as you've just seen my crotch and all." 

She was amenable to this. Thankfully, this didn't involve any weird posing other than shifting my knee out to make a #4 with my legs (and trust me, after the research I have done on this topic (seriously, I invite you to read the comments of that entry), depending on the extent of the hair removal, there are positions that would rival the Downward Dog.  And it was the possibility of these weird positions that caused me to worry, "Oh God, what if I fart? What if I HAVE to fart? I would die. Oh my God, I would absolutely die.")

This waxing, while a little more sensitive due to locale, also didn't hurt.

It (surprisingly) also didn't even hurt when she said she was going to get the tweezers to grab a few stubborn ones. ("uh, did you just say 'tweezers'??")

What was not pleasant was a result of her asking, "So, do you want a little off the top? Heh, that sounded kinda weird."  I had asked do most people do that. Oh, they do? Alright, sign me up.

Okay, THAT was the part that kind of hurt like a bitch. That part I could have done without.

A few other positive highlights of this whole event (that took less than 10 minutes by the way):

Not hearing, "Hey Bev, clear all my appointments for the rest of the night."

Not hearing, "Yeah, we're going to need a lot more wax."

Not hearing, "Oh....well that's...interesting."

Not hearing, "Seriously, a new pair of underpants might run ya, what,...6 bucks?"

Not hearing, "Did you just fart?"  Because I didn't. Not even once.

Overall, I would say the event a success. I might go so far to say I was worked up over nothing.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure if I gone in for the, um,... "Telly Savalas" as many women do, I might be singing a different tune.  But I didn't and the C.S.S. worked for me and it can work for you, too.

And maybe, just maybe, I do have some superior High Threshold to Pain genetics working for me.  And maybe next time, I can afford to be a little more brave.

Comments

[marnie]

Girlfriend.. go for the brazillian next time. I want to hear about that!

[marnie]

PS.. I need to know about the ingrown hair factor. I'm a "virgin" too.

[jess]

Sometimes I cry a little bit when I have my upper lip waxed.

[jen from boston]

Marn- I don't think I'll ever commit to that level of bravery. re: ingrowns, she asked if I got them from shaving (no) and said this was a good indicator of how I'd fare for waxing (more likely to get them from shaving - this is what she tells me anyway).

Of course, based on the research, I know of stuff that helps if you do get them, or stuff that'll help prevent them. seriously, the link to Advice Smackdown has a lot better info from more qualified people than I could ever give.

I was red for a few days (fine now), and on day 2 wore a pr. of underwear that made it even more uncomfortable. That underwear has since been chucked. This why it is important NOT to do this right before a trip for the beach.

[TB]

Dude, you asked for MORE. You are ready to go all the way next time.

[Jen from Boston]

I cannot stress enough: I went the chicken shit route here. Of COURSE I could handle more. Anyone could have. But only a LITTLE more.

[Fraulein N]

Oh, man. You are so brave. I think I would literally die if I were in that situation. Of embarassment, you understand, not because of the pain. Maybe it's not so bad when it's over really quickly like that.

[HollowSquirrel]

Dude. Why didn't I know about this sooner? I could have had you guest post on my other blog about trying new things, since I'm TOTALLY chicken shit about this.

[sweatpantsmom]

Ouch. Was there any alcohol involved? (No, not the topical kind.)

[wordgirl]

The mind reels at the thought processes that allow someone to come to the conclusion that they would like to wax hair away from buttholes for a living. I don't think I'm alone in this.

[Meg]

I spit a little bit of coffee over the things that you "did not hear". Congratulations on the whole process. I had one bikini wax, the CSS actually, a week before my wedding (which was 4 years ago) and haven't been back. I didn't really love it, but I'd go back for a special occasion. "Summer" just doesn't seem special enough for me to go back. I do know people that have it done quite often. I just don't care to spread 'em (underwear or not) for that many people. Heh.

[Not gonna leave my name this time...]

I did try self waxing once -- but I was trying to go more for the, um, full effect. It hurt like shit and by the time I got one side cleared I was too chicken to do the other side. Yeah, I was quite lopsided but at least I was still able to sit down, which I wouldn't have been if I'd continued with that course of action.

I actually did the complete shave this weekend, just to see what it was like... the immediate effect was nice (conducive to fun marital activities) but the growback sucks. Itchy.

Yeah, probably TMI, but since you were brave enough to share I figured I owed ya. ;-)

[stella]

holy fucking shit. that IS HYSTERICAL. you need to submit that shit somewhere. id pay to read that.

that was good. real good. thanks for the story.

i might someday gather the courage to experience that myself.

s

[Isabel]

Hooray for trying it and hooray for it not being as bad as you thought it was going to be.

Yeah!

[Justine Cricks]

Well, good for ya. The first time often hurts, so one should be prudent sometimes and pick a less-unpleasant choice. A good impression during the first experience can help you out if you want more.