Classmates.com presents: The Douchebag

I've almost written this post a few times, but held off for fear that I would come off like the bigger jerk or possibly set myself up for a "Ur jus jelus he don't lik u"  for writing it.  And really,  who am I to bring a person down?  I mean, I'm not exactly perfect.  Well, not  "technically".

But when a person and the situation only gets even more ridiculous, and it's in that moment you feel as though you've been given the green light.

Thank God I've been given such the green light.

Alright, you know how there's that one guy you went to high school with, that, despite however low your social ranking was, and inspite of how decent looking and joe varsity he was, you knew that he was, Ew, That Guy?

At my school it was a kid named Paul.

I had met Paul in 5th grade and for a few months I had a crush on him.  He was (it kills me to say) a very good looking kid: tall, blonde, classically handsome, dressing in the finest parachute pants money could buy. 

And then Paul would go and ruin everything:  he would open his mouth.

F to the Y.I. I have it on good authority that Paul is one of the better names to place right after "Shut up,".  Aside from hearing it from the girls at school when Paul would say something stupid, I encourage you to rent Beautiful Girls sometime, and listen to how Jan (played by Martha Plimpton) says it to her ex, Paul (one clueless Michael Rappaport): "Shut up, Paul."  It just ...it  just warms my heart.  Really, Plimpton's pitch for exasperation-meets-total-disdain-but-I'm only tolerating-even-this-much-because- I- have to is so on point just with her utterance of  'Paul'. (you really need to see this movie) that her tone could write this post for me. 

Anyway,  back to the Paul from high school...

My 5th grade crush remedied itself pretty quickly (who knew a 10 year old me would be so smart?) and I went on to do whatever you'd have classify me as (I like to call it "The Neither Here Nor There" existence) and he went on to enjoy a popular jock  who gets away with being an annoying tool-life (see: any teen flick with Jennifer Boob Hewitt/Sarah Michele Gellar in it.) 

But life goes on and people don't stay 17 forever. They experience this and that and  grow in one direction or another and you leave town and you move on and forget about these people.

Well, you hope people grow- grow the hell up. But even after 15+ years have passed, a certain website will notify  you that no, some people will stick to their wheelhouse of being a total douche.

From "Shut up, PAUL" (my new pet name for him)'s  announcements page at Classmates.com, completely unedited with exception to the removal last names:

(March 2005)
Subject: ROCKVILLE CUTIES

"LOOKING FOR THOSE OLD ROCJVILLE CUTIES. I KNOW MANY OF YOU HAVE 2 OR 3 KIDS NOW BUT IF YOU STILL LOOK GOOD GIVE PAULIE A SHOUT. CANT WAIT TO HEAR FROM YA ALL."

This was the first that had my mouth drop.  "If you still look good" after having children, the third person "give Paulie a shout".   

"Easy stomach," said I.

From there...
(December 2005)

"Subject: Hello Ladies I am looking for Alison[lastname], Amy [lastname], Kristen [lastname], Lori[lastname] and many others. Ladies if you happen to read this leave me a message. Thanks." Yeah, I suppose could be fairly innocent on its own,... I guess but if you knew the guy and/or read it after the first announcement,....still, ew. However, Robert Herrick here saves his best work for last: (July 2007)           "Subject: 1991 Hotties Dear ladies. John [lastname] and myself are holding a party a my home in Avon. Its a females only party so NO HUSBANDS ! We are now accepting reservations. Check back soon for further details." How do I follow this? This,...orgy invite?  I bet he winks a lot. Would anyone be surprised to learn he is a used car salesman? Because he is.  (Alright, according to his profile he is a partner in two lots and if that is true, is probably doing well for himself, but still, this guy? A used car dealer?  You don't say.) My theory (or possibly, my fantasy) here is that women his (our) age don't put up with his stupid ass (because we don't have to)and that he has to go back in time where he was joe cool and the the women who did tolerate his stupid ass (because they had to) who just happened to be... teenagers at the time. So, anyone have any colorful experiences or run-ins with former classmates that lead you to believe John Hughes was onto something?   Or maybe there was the jerk with a heart of gold?   Or have a classmate you never really knew that well e-mail them out of the blue? I'd love to hear your stories.

 

Comments

[Jess]

So you're going to the party, right?

Am impressed with the To the Virgins reference. Nothing like a little 17th century poetry to punctuate your point.

[Emily]

I saw "that guy" after I had my first baby (like a week later). And he was selling cars (not your top of the line car but more a more economical brand). He asked how I liked being a mom (not a good question less than 5 days in). And I asked how he liked....selling cars....? He said it was work that made him feel good about himself. He felt like he was doing a charitable deed by getting people with less than stellar credit into cars that could save their lives. He was giving back to the community. I think the hormones/sleep deprivation combo took over and I busted up laughing saying "I think Mother Theresa sold those in Calcuta!".
Isn't it funny that "that guy" always sells cars???

[-R-]

Ew. I am not sure who "that guy" in my class would be, but I could guess. I have not been solicited for any creepy no husband parties yet though.

[Rocky]

I just threw up in my mouth. A little.

Could you send me his link? i might go to the part....ommmmmgggggfffmmmmmm gggg i couldn't even get that line out i just hurled.

the end.

[jen from boston]

Jess, Didn't make it as I no longer qualify as 'still hot' since I ditched my mom's threads and I truly believe that was part of my allure back on the day (I mean, who wouldn't want to jump a Chadwicks of Boston wannabe model? right?).

[mamatulip]

Guys who speak in the third person turn me on.

[Contrary]

If Karma exists, those ladies will show up with husbands and Paul and his nasty little friend will get their asses handed to them.

[Fraulein N]

Oh. Well. Well I'll be god damned. That Guy never DID grow up like we'd all hoped he would.

Why is my favorite part of this thing the fact that they're accepting RESERVATIONS? That part cracks me up for some reason.

[Dawn]

Reservations - so they will have enough luuuuuube on hand. We old hotties have some moisture problems now that we are again, you know.

Dude. Look on your local Craigslist M4W. If you find him ( and methinks you will) We can do a whole feature on Desperately.

After all, you know you want this.

Gah. I can smell the Off brand Polo from here.

[Meg]

The line about taking reservations cracked me up too.

Beautiful Girls is one of my favorite movies. Sounds like this Paul and that Paul have a lot in common. I wonder if he has a St. Bernard named Elle Macpherson too.

About 8 years ago we went to a wedding where some people I knew in high school were "swapping" back at the after party. It was pretty crazy. One of them might have been an old boyfriend.

[Kelly]

I saw that guy at ny HS reunion - the worst part was him saying those things in front of his wife (who actually smiled the whole time - methinks she was really a cardboard cut-out)

[jennie]

douchebag is the perfect description for him. gross.

also, I spent the whole time reading this trying to figure out if we might know each other because the town I grew up in has a Rockville and an Avon nearby. Fascinating, right?

[jenC]

Fortunately, I wasn't that hot in high school and my high school sweethearts really WERE sweet...and generally still are. Oddly, I got squat out of classmates.com and reunion.com...myspace was the means to reunite my class, which, though graduating in the mid-90s, used Never Tear Us Apart for our class song.

I don't remember voting for that.

I don't think we ended up with a car dealer, but there were a lot of rich kids in my class. The douchebags stayed douchebags and the smart kids went on to be roughly as successful and mostly happy as anticipated. We do have a stripper in Vegas who got new boobs and botox before 30, though, and the girl who says she works for J-Lo.