Once More with Feeling.

It's Hard Out Here for a Caucasian

I, too, become distressed when Trader Joe's runs out of arugula.

White People Problems

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Quote of the Day

I award Monday's quote of the day to my colleague, T-Fund. It wasn't even 10:30 in the morning and I knew it was the  day's winner.

Scene:

Me in the lobby headed out for a coffee run, T-Fund enterting the lobby reporting to work.

T-Fund upon seeing me: "Hey, I have the awesome girl-p*rn site that I know you'll love. I gotta forward the link to you."

QoTD was met with Me: "Uh-huh... wait,  what? What makes you think I'm into p*rn si...?"

Turns out (as it was immediately explained) it's a site of like, guys putting the toilet lid down and women getting all hot & bothered over it. Still, taking that comment, in the lobby, spoken at a normal if not slightly louder than normal volume (he's a sales guy)  kinda threw me.  And now security thinks I'm into "girl p*rno", whatever that is.

Perfect.

And to think, there is a band out there called "The Foreskins" seeking representation.

Random bits from the past 24 hours have looked like this:

1. E-mail from me to my co-worker, "T-Fund":

Are you going to sit 3 cubes from me, all day, and just pretened like the ROL Reunion Show never happened?

2. While driving and and on the phone with my sister, hashing and rehashing some emotionally exhausting family matters from the same day, I see something only to interrupt:

"but the real issue at hand now is...does The DQ take credit?" 

FYI, the Dairy Queen in my town sadly (SADLY!) does not appear to take it ( and I say "appear" because I didn't have the grapes to ask the cashier -   it was all I could do to walk up and search the windows for the little Visa/MC emblems).  Yeah, from now on I'm keeping a spare five in the glovebox for such emergencies.

3. Phonecall from other sister, while I am at work, trying to ...work:

"Have you seen Alvin & the Chipmunks movie?"

"Uh, no . And why on earth would I?"

"Actually, it's not bad.  Anyway, the music from it is pretty good.  It current  day music but it's done with the chipmunks' voices."

"Exactly how is the selling me on the music? And if this is what you have become, a woman who appreciates music sung by chipmunks, then you are definitely not selling me on parenthood."

"Hey, trust me - anything is better than having to listen to The Wiggles. all day."

"Again, you are not selling me. Stop it."

What I'd Wear...

...if I had the body for it (and would not be arrested):

Benefits include:

+ Would feel compelled to daily crunches, and maybe even cut back on carbs. Finally, the elusive abs of steel would be mine!

+ Comfortable footwear

+ No bra straps digging/itching my skin

+ Getting ready  in the morning is a breeze (quite literally).  No ironing/coordinating required.

+ Goes from day to night with ease.  Just add some lipstick and cute accesories and voila! You are ready for a night on the town.

+ No need to wait in line for the ladies room

+ Tired of dropping off clothes at the dry cleaners and the ridiculous bills?  Well, not anymore, my friends!

+ Stain resistant.

+ Your problems with closet space just became that less, you know,... problematic.

+ Everyone knows that everything goes with "skin".

The Tuesday Lunchbucket

This is the random crap that's been going on that I've been meaning to write about and am using this as a catch all before I forget what it was that it was so important that I thought people might care about it.

In case you didn't hear, The Patriots did not win the Superbowl.  I know, ....no,  I know. It hurts, it hurts real bad (almost the perfect-perfect season!) (and for Giants/non-Pats fans - for the love, stop calling me) but let's move on.  Or blame Gisele.  (I think I saw a fake-news promo clip actually insinuated as much. Boy.) Or take solace that the Giants' ticket-tape parade is in the rain and the fans will get wet and so will their socks and they'll probably catch a cold or a serious chill or possibly a sinus infections or something. So there is that. 

Also, I was SO on edge during the game, that when my phone vibrated that a text message had come in from my Dad (as we had been texting back & forth), I totally screamed and jumped as someone who had just been attacked.   It was very similar to Vince Vaughn's character in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, when he, holding a rather large, loaded gun yelling at his mom, "Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!"

I also realized that my shit talk needs to improve by like, by a lot.  When the Giants ran the ball (I think Manning was running? trying to find someone?), I can be quoted at sputtering, "get him!....kill him!...cut him....with a shiv!" 

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My sister Kate, her kids Sarah and Owen are throwing my a birthday party tonight at their house. The kids are very excited about it and last week Sarah informed me, "yeah...I'm gonna wear a dress." So I will ALSO be fancying it up for this (I hope pictures to follow).  Since the planning stages of this party, Sarah (age 5) has been bugging my sister about the buying  of the present.  When asked What should we get her? she thought about it and decided, "Clothes."  Love that.

Kate put the nix on clothes but yesterday Sarah in a panic asked Kate, "Mom, do you have a picture of me and Aunt Jennie?  That's what we need to give her for her birthday." When Kate told her she didn't, Sar shot back, "Well, you better get on it. We're almost out of time."

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I was talking to my other sister Emily and telling her how our sister Kate was over last night and how she got a little tipsy on wine and decided to then do the full court press on me and Mike getting on the baby making train.   I said to Em that she needs to work on her delivery, as mentioning that I am old (You're THIRTY-FIVE! THAT'S ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE." (Yes, I am aware of my age, puddin pop), however, kudos to her, she at least tried to sweeten the deal by offering a few days a week of free child care.

Em's response: "I'd get that in writing."

(no need to harp on Kate harping on me and my youthful age - she just using every bullet in her arsenal to get me to get knocked up because she thinks I'd make a great mom. (oh, and Mike a dad)).

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Ironic moment of the week awarded to my birthday, where I was out having a few drinks but thought I would have to cut myself off at some point so I could go home and make it in time to see a new episode of Celebrity Rehab. Which, even though I was home by 8:45, I was too tired and buzzed to stay awake until 10:00 to see it.

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Speaking of which, I think many of us are on the same page as to the awesomeness of the Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Some might say we're ....addicted.

Really, the show is so good (and for those in the know, did you see the previews for this week's episode?  Baldwin=BUSTED.  I, for one, Cannot. wait.)

So, because so many people have Lost, or 24, or "that Heidi Klum show" covered, I think I might start do a very loose recap of this show (on VH-1 on Thursdays @10:00, although they replay it all the time)and give my report on each participant as they progress/regress/remain as is.   I will expound upon who I think is actually pretty normal/intelligent and nurturing  when they're not on the sauce/stuff (Sylvester Stallone's ex, Brigitte Nielson), who my heart goes out to (former American Idol finalist Jessica Sierra) , who really, really, REALLY needs to be there (Taxi/Grease star Jeff Conaway) and who is the biggest asshole of the group (hands down, Daniel Baldwin).

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Finally, I received a phonecall from my will-be trainer at the gym.  I think he had been trying to catch me for awhile, I having signed on beginning of January for a 3 trainer session-pack thing.  And it's now February.  Anyway, he starts with the small talk of "how were your holidays" (um, they were nice...a month ago")and asking me if I'd been going to the gym.  Um, YEAH I HAVE.(twice).

It was when he asked me this, that I realized that lying to a trainer on the phone is like lying to a priest at Confession.  There's a part in Confession where you admit to your when your last Confession took place.  Well, like any good Catholic I never go, but you don't WANT to tell the priest, "I have no idea.  I couldn't even tell yo uwho was in office."  But you can't lie because, you know, this would defeat the purpose of what you're trying to accomplish.

So back to the trainer, I felt that if I had bullshitted him about how often I've been going, I'd get called out because they gym ID scans you in and all he'd have to do is look me up on the computer while we were on the phone and see that  it's been twice in a month, including a the one with the trip to the men's locker room. T hen, upon realizing my lie, I think he'd take it out on me during our session.  So  truthfully I told him, "Yeah..I've been going...a few times. You know, here and there."

In 50 words or less, how has the writers' strike effected you?

"Friday night I watched The Ghost Whisperer (not the worst, but still...) and last night I On-Demanded I Know Who Killed Me* )."

It's gonna take some time to bounce back from that last one.  Ho-oh-ly shit.

(*nominated for 9 Razzies this year)

Watching all those Sex and the City marathons has served me well.

While passing each other in the bedroom, Mike and I hear the promo for the next episode of Rock of Love II.

Promo, featuring a suprise appearance from Season One's The Clap-on-wheels, Lacey, who is skating around at a roller derby asking this season's crew, "What's up, skanks!?"

Narrator: " ...in the next episode, the girls fall hard for Brett..."

Mike: [incredulously] "Seriously, how is it possible to fall hard for Brett?"

Me: [in my mind agreeing with him, but then...oh...heh.] Yells from that bathroom: "See, because they're doing ROLLER DERBY and they are gonna "FALL HARD".  GEDDIT?!"

See, this is why I feel comfortable asserting that  I am "the smart one".

The 2007 Review: Living Every Week Like It's Shark Week

(Idea cribbed from -R-)

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?  Surf.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? My resolution was to save up money for a serious digital SLR camera and take classes. I did both.  I am kicking around ideas for '08. Maybe I'll commit to growing out my hair.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes, two: One of my BFF's Jess (to Jonas on Dec. 19th) and my leetle friend Heather (to Evan in October). First kids for both.

4. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?  Making the damn train, ability to remain vertical.  I fell quite an awful lot in 2007, and I have the scars to prove it.

5. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

8/27: Closed on first house, moved to the burbs.

8/30: My Grandfather passed away at the age of 93.

10/13: Got hitched.

6. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Saved some serious bank which is something I have never been able to do.  Yeah, I am still am scratching my head over that one.

7. What was your biggest failure?  See: punctuality.

8. What was the best thing you bought? House, trip to Hawaii, Nikon D80, and unloading the VW Golf for a Mazda Tribute.  It was a very expensive year for me.

9. Whose behavior merited celebration? The studio exec who publicly called bullshit on Lindsay Lohan's behavior during her filming of Georgia Rule and if she didn't act like a grown up who was being highly paid to do a job, he'd fine her ass.  Awesome. 

Honorable Mention: The decision maker at the vending machine company who decided to include Yodels as a snack option.  Thank you, vending machine decision maker.

10. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Members of the Young Hollywood Ridiculatti, the people who kiss their ass thus enabling these tools, the State of California's legal system, specifically the consistency of their sentencing system and lastly, me, for caring. 

11. Where did most of your money go? The house. First we bought it then we've done a few rooms over, and then there was a few pieces of furniture.  Is that a comma in that check I just wrote, ... again?  Oof.

12. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The trip to Hawaii, the In & Out Burger Mike surprised me with at the LAX connecting flight.

13. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? Happier, I think I broke even on the weight (however, as most muscle turned to mush due to lack of workout regimen in the past 6 mos., this is hardly a bragging point), and richer. 

Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends.

Something about going on a boat cruise for work, for a celebration of the anniversary of your division in the Organization, where it'll be just you and division people, and being told you're going to board the boat...

Yeah, don't get me wrong, I like my co-workers but...

And Procrastination was her name-o

Things I should be doing instead of hanging out here on a Saturday morning:

Cleaning. 

No really, there is a lot of cleaning to be done up in here.

Seriously, I've been wandering around the apartment telling myself, "Just pick a room. Any room."

Get my car's new emissions sticker, seeing as it expired back in May.

May...2006.

Get the oil changed while I'm at it.

Which according to Jiffy Lube reminding sticker, maybe should have been done, oh I dunno, 2,500  miles ago?

(seriously, maybe I should start with just getting all my laundry off the couch. I can do that much, right?)

Find out where my friend lives so I can get to her house for her garden party.
Find out when garden party starts.
Figure out how far Marblehead is from Boston.
Figure out if I can even go as I am going to see Jim Gaffigan tonight and that is being held in opposite direction of Boston.

If my 20/10 eyes don't deceive me, I should probably make another bikini wax appt. 

Dry my hair before it takes on Rastafarian proportions.

However and instead, I will ruminate about the following:

1. That it's cute that my dad sends me text messages about how my house deal is going, adding "Love, Dad".  My dad sends me text messages, people.

Which reminds me, I should probably tell him I'm going to be showing up at his place in Chicago on Thursday, hoping he'll let me crash there til Sunday, because, uh, well...yeah, let's hope he remembered that I said I was coming for the weekend "at the end of July" for the "conference" I'm attending which is 1 mile from his sweet pad. Otherwise, I just may very well be fucked.

(mental note to add to Saturday's To Do list: Call Dad)

2. The realization that texting my friend Matt (after a night of hanging out/drinking w/ him) the clever phrase "P.S. Your mom" around 1 a.m. is not as funny as you thought,  though at the time you thought it was comic genius.

3. My new pretty friend, Hollow Squirrel ...
(Seen here:)

(See? pretty.)

...whom (who?) I met for the first time on Monday and with my local assistance, managed to get her out of hanging with fellow conference attending co-workers who, unlike me, did not know where the Sephora was. 

This is my secret way of telling you I took my new girlfriend to Sephora and people, my God, [/whispers] it was MAGIC.  Sephora is a woman's Disneyland. "Disneyland for Broads" they should call it.

However and as such, Sephora is definitely a place that requires a "wingwoman" because to be without adequate, skillful supervision,  there runs many dangerous perils, such as not benefiting from, say, a verbal soap opera slap, "PUT THE BODY GLITTER BACK, IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAGIC WHORE", ipso facto finding one's self with a shell shocking $300 Visa charge at the register for stuff you don't even want right before you're supposed to be drop some serious bank on a HOUSE in ONE MONTH, JEN-NIF-ER.

(in all seriousness, I put back some Benefit under eye concealer as she thought my expression was that of "placating Sephora rep" based on her observation of my head nod "confirming" the "difference I saw" and in doing so, helped me get out of there for only 60 bucks. A miracle, I can assure you.)

But it wasn't all wine & lipgloss.  We got into our first fight right on the very  fancy Newbury St.

(still have a few of her hair extensions on my dresser to prove it.)

Apparently lady is not down with me referring to the daily appendage I wear on my shoulder as a pocketbook. 

"A 'pocketbook'? That's not a pocketbook," she snitted, "THIS [takes out wallet] is a pocketbook."

Uh, no.  That, dear simpleton, is a WALLET.

The thing you keep all your stuff in? Pocketbook.  POCKET-BOOOOOOOK.

Were it not for the fact that she has a cute kid waiting for her at home, I probably would have cut her.

Maybe it's a Massachusetts thing?  Who knows. But it's always been a pocketbook to me.  Not a bag, handbag, or purse.  Pocketbook.

Deal with it.

Above: Her superior "that's not a pocketbook" face. Don't you just want to bean her with a complimentary piece of warm bread? No? Just me then?

So, aside from her unwillingness to acquiesce to my quaint "handbag" colloquialism, she was really nice (and she bought dinner, and also, I ate some of her food because I am awesome), and also talks super fast like me (which is good) and does this thing of saying random shit just to see if you're paying attention (to wit, at one point she randomly suggested I bring back the bridal hat.)

So, I hope you had a good time, HS.  Sorry the last words you had to hear from me as you drove off in the cab were "POCK- ET. BOOOOOK." in a Captain Caveman voice. But you're wrong and I am right and you will bend to my will on this one.

4. How sort of horrified I was when I walked into the bedroom wearing my 2 towel-post shower get up only to be chastised by Mike:

"Will ya STOP USING MY GOLF CLUBS' TOWEL ALREADY?! I KEEP THROWING IT ON MY CHAIR SO I CAN REMEMBER TO BRING IT OUT TO MY CAR and YOU KEEP. USING. IT."

"I use that to clean off my clubs."

Uh, my bad? And also, "thought it was small."

5. I have waited too long and now my hair now has dreadlocks.

6. Yeah seriously, that bikini wax appt. isn't going to make itself.

7. It is 1:30 in the afternoon and I'm still wearing a towel.